Ask Calypso

Ask Calypso is now live on the blog. Press the GREEN BLOG bunny above and chat with Star, Honey, Freds, Indie, Portia and one another

For maddie starters you can find out what the latest goss is and catch up with all Calypso’s news. On top of that you can give your opinion of whether she belongs with Prince Freddie? Or simply check out fit Etonians amusing themselves on a wet weekend.

I am back at school in the Lower VIth with oh so many freedoms such as the freedom to roam Windsor and meet up with Eades Boys. For all teachers and parents (Will you stop spying on me Sarah and Bob by the way, it’s very ungranola like and unseemly actually) I am working v.v.vhard at my studies, applying myself to my subjects like lipgloss to lips. So you won’t need to read anymore of my teenage only zone. You must find your own lives and let me be free to grow and flourish like a typical healthy young thing; to dream my dreams and overspend on my phone credit. Oodles, Calypso xx

As ever SHOUT OUTS TO: Saint Mary’s Ascot Girls, Cheltenham Ladies, Bennerz girls and my favourtie Etonians for their overwhelming response to the website. Luving theUzis and Textbooks! Loving Harvey Eaton. Keep it real boys – remember, it aint easy being an Etonian, let alone an Etonian rapper. Also shout outs to all the girls who write in because they are heading to boarding school (having realised that day school is just too dreary and desolate for words) – and where’s the fun in pissing off the bursar at a day school darlings? Boarders everywhere, there is no end to your brilliance!

Q. Dear Calypso, I love your books. I think that they are the best books ever written. I have one question though. In the 4th book it said about how the newspapers said that you pulled freds best mate the Laird of Killmarn. Who is the Laird of Killmarn?

A. Darling, Yar, the Laird of Killmarn is Malcolm. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dearest Calypso! I too am at a boarding school! Sometimes it can be tres boring as you only get a social like ermmmmmm………………..TWICE A YEAR! Its soooooooo horrible! And i mean they can\’t expect us to lead \’\’normal\’\’ lives if they only give us like two socials per year! okkkkk so maybe it\’s four socials a year but i still find it quite difficult!!!! I mean we can\’t even go out into town becasue they live soooooo far away like an hours drive! Wat do i do????? Help! Oh and by the way……….I am luuuuuuuvin your tres cool books and tu and your friends are just absolouly fabby! I\’ve just read your new most fantastic book and obnce again tu were absoloutly great! Is there going to be another book because you can\’t just leave us hangin daaaaaarling! Please or i think i will faint! Oh and I seemed to have noticed that you do a lot of fainting! Good plan! Sometimes I feel like fainting! Especially in my english class! Love you darling! xxxxxxxxx oodles xxxxxxxxx

A. Darling Fellow Boarder Starved of Boys! I checked out your school website and wondered if perchance you know Glenalmond College? I am in awe of the Class Wars Chav hunting on you tube (even though Honey\’s their biggest fan!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9Z2GYTxldY&NR anyway that\’s the link. Maybe you\’ll recognise some of the boys? Stay in touch and yar keep fainting…absolutely! Oodles, Calypso

Q. **Dear Calypso,** >> My names Emmy, and im a very very big fan of yours. Your fantastic. Nothing else could say it better. Your tres marvy and so are your books! However, Its hard to find your books in bookshops, either that or they have been all sold out. Can\’t say im surprised! :] I go to Farnbourogh Hill in Hampshire. Well, its in Farnborough and is on a Hill. Its an all girls private school, and is quite marvy! however (notice the sad face – :[ ) it doesn\’t do boarding, so we all tramp up and down the hill everyday, well for those of us who get the train in. Its not as posh as all the schools you list and know, like Eton, but i do dream of what its like to board in one of our English boarding schools. I bet its great like you say, but wouldn\’t there be quite a bit of bullying? just wondering… Tell me more about it by writing more of your books, and aspiring us all.

A. **Dear Calypso,** >> My names Emmy, and im a very very big fan of yours. Your fantastic. Nothing else could say it better. Your tres marvy and so are your books! However, Its hard to find your books in bookshops, either that or they have been all sold out. Can\’t say im surprised! :] I go to Farnbourogh Hill in Hampshire. Well, its in Farnborough and is on a Hill. Its an all girls private school, and is quite marvy! however (notice the sad face – :[ ) it doesn\’t do boarding, so we all tramp up and down the hill everyday, well for those of us who get the train in. Its not as posh as all the schools you list and know, like Eton, but i do dream of what its like to board in one of our English boarding schools. I bet its great like you say, but wouldn\’t there be quite a bit of bullying? just wondering… Tell me more about it by writing more of your books, and aspiring us all.

Q. I love your books soooooo much, darling. Is boarding school really like that? Love, Ally =

A. Darling Ally, Yes boarding school is just like that. I\’ve even written a little article about it on the blog – just go to askcalypso@calypsochronicles.com and press the bunny that says Blog! It\’s a festival of chat, music, pictures and goss galore. Hope to catch up with you there soon. Oodles, Calypso

Q. At my school whenever I use witty remarks or fabuloso quotes mes amies totally understand, I may be exaggerating there and thinking of all the smart thingymajiggies to say that I had had lined up to ask. I think moi et toi are twins separated at birth apart from the blond\\pale thingy darling I am brunette and slightly tanned. Please say you are developing a 5th and a 6th 7th 9th…….. 900th \\ well mainly 5-6th book out darling????!!!!! I AM BEGGING YOU FOR McHAMISHES NUMBER PLZZZZ I would cry and babble and go into a mind-numbingly happy state if you did darling but then again do you want him all to yourself darling? *pouty pout* give Rex and Dorothy a kiss pour moi please and Hilda and brian if star insists! Xxx (ps plz publish this on your awesome website) Lady Katelina Darling if you want a rant about freds sometimes please don’t hesitate throbintheheart@hotmail.com xox P.S , w/b nun of your business darling? And Jay should so visit Calypso lol

A. Darling Lady Katelina AKA my separated birth twin, I was so happy to recieve your email that I almost sent you Malcolm\’s number which would be tres foolhardy as I\’m really rather fond of him and I am guessing you are stunning and witty and well…just his type? Having said that, \’tis true to say my heart is in a constant state of turmoil-esque madness these days. Sarah says this is \”because your hormones are surging\” which I just think is creepy. Why would a mother say such a thing to an innocent daughter struggling to come to terms with GCSE biology? Personally I don\’t believe in hormones as I\’ve never seen one under a microscope. Anyway even if they actually do exist (bet they don\’t) they sound a bit germy and my heart may be muddled but it is clean and pure. Sorry I went a bit off piste there which is a v.bad habit I\’ve tried to give up for Lent. Avoiding going into mad rant gear had lessened the number of disappointed looks Freds gives me. So, soz about Malcolm\’s number but I did kiss Rex and Dorothy for you. I even gave Brian and Hilda a little erm…stroke. Rex is looking rather cute in his picture on the website I think. Have you been to the blog bunny yet darling? It\’s rather a nice place to have a catch up and chat. I\’m on my way there now. Oodles, Caio, mwaw-mwaw and mamma mia, Calypso

Q. hola darling! i\’m soooo dying to get dumping princes but with the busy boarding lifestyle and all….its tres difficult to go to town atm! omg french orals in like 4 days…tres tres scaredness.!!! i really hope indie\’s in dumping princes because…(eventhough i soo madly adore all the characters) she\’s sooo my fave..only because well darl im nigerian and at chelt ladies (home of ridiculously hot chickas!) and she reminds of moi sooo much! I swear the books are soo addictive…basics the whole school is mad over them! but yah….can\’t w8 to rave it up in easter with the poss…im sure i\’ll have time to add dumping princes to my collection! muchos love darl! k xxxxx

A. Darling K, Thank you for being all fabulesque and lovely. Indie is in Dumping Princes and she was thrilled when I showed her your email. If you are remotely like Indie you must be STUNNING and jam packed with pizzas and va-va-va-voom. Cheltenham Ladies generally are. Good luck with the French oral. I just got the crappest mark for my English GCSE so I\’m taking it again and actually English is my first language (well technically second after American) so I\’m completely in the merde with Bob and Sarah. If you ask me they\’re making Much Ado Abut Nothing because it\’s not as if they have to take the bally exam again. Sorry for that little rantathon. I feel quite fatigued now and might go and have a nap in Latin. Can\’t wait to hear what you think of Dumping Princes. Oh and come and goss with my posse on the blog – its on the site – just press the blog bunny. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hey, I\’m an American fan of your amazing books and I\’ve just finished Dumping Princes. I was just wondering if the series is going to continue because I don\’t know what I\’m going to do without something to read. So, it would be nice if you could let me know if you\’re planning on a book number 5. I know I would read it and love it. Rachel (a fan dying to read more)

A. Darling Rachel, Yes, I am writing Book V! This year has thrown me into the most enormous pile of merde! And no, not just because of the exam thing. I\’ll keep you posted but in the meantime you can go to the blog bunny on the site and chat to other readers and my friends. Oodles, Calypso

Q. OMGA! Calypso!!! My Mother has finally read the book, she\’s on book #2, and she says she loves them. I asked her about making them into a movie (she owns a production company) and she said she would try to get someone to make a screenplay of it, but that she thinks someone might alreadly have. Please tell me if anyone has made an offer to make a movie yet! It would help so so so much! Also, I really really really really want to play you. I live in LA and I want to go to boarding school in England soooo badly! I also have longish blonde hair (past my shoulders) that never wants to cope with me. I\’m tall for my age, I\’m 13 and 5\’5 1/2 and still growing! I also am just like you social wise. I\’ve always wanted to be in the popular crowd at school, even though they\’re so mean to me. So if there\’s already been a movie offer, please tell them about me to play you. -Marguerite

A. Darling Marguerite, Oh my days, your madre rocks! There have been offers but my agent wanted all the books out. If you\’re madre produces the movie, I\’m sure you will be My Star. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Helloi was just wandering when the next installment in the Calypso Chronicles with be released,or if it is still in writing how is it developing.thankyou. You are an incredable writer. Sofia

A. Darling Sofia, Mwaw, mwaw and double mad cuddles for being so lovely and complimentary. I want the final book out too and every day more readers ask and so I feel really guilty so I set up a section on the blog for readers to petition. Go to www.calypsochronicles.com and press the blog bunny and you can write demand book 5! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hiya darlings, I would just like to ask you what I should do you see I fancy my brothers best mate and I think he fancies me what should I do. Will my friends tease me? If he likes me bck wot shud i do? I am so confuddled xxxxx love ya loadsxxxx the fantabulous Steph lol !xxxxxx

A. Darling Steph, Best friend brothers are a pulling minefield. Fancying a mate\’s brother is a tres common issue. Comes up all the time at school because having older fit brothers is a cache symbol like no other. But pulling them is another matter because you lose that edge of mystery because be honest love your bestest as you do, can you honestly imagine her not exposing you in some way – even if it is out of love. As start says, \”the things about sharing EVERYTHING with our friends is they know where the bodies are buried.\” Doesn\’t mean you can\’t have a little tongue action mind! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dearest Calypso, I must tell you that when I found your book I was completely and utterly drawn into the gorgeous thing. You see I come from the boarding school St Georges in Ascot, and I was in constant surprise as you got everything spot on, but then of course regrettably we don\’t all have titles. My question is how did you become so madly irresistible to boys, I\’m still working on getting them to look at me. And a trait we unfortunately share is one of babbling darling. xxxx

A. Darling Kirsty, Despite being my competition on the pulling fields of Eton, I mean Eades (whoops) St G\’s girls rock! Oodles, Calypso xxx

Q. Darling Calypso Im am in a tiz I have seemed to have grown more in the last few months than eva before. I use to be quite short but now I am one of the tallest in my class.It is quite terrifying. I now can never wear my gorgie high heels boo hoo. Or i will look like some giant. I wondered if you had any flirting tippys I could use for a party im going to next month.It is going to be manifique I can not wait !!!!!!!!! My dress is 100% beautiful shame bout gaint thing but a dress can neva be 2 short right ? anyways i have to jet daarling cio xxx btw Malcom is the guy for you Freedie is cute and a prince but Malcom is a duke a tres tres gorgeous and he is FUNNY.When has Freddie made you laugh xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx toodles DUMPING PRINCES IS FANTABULOUS

A. Darling Fellow Freakishly Tall Girl, OMGA, at last now someone else understands the pathos and sheer rubbishness-ness of having the height for the catwalk without the walk – or even the cat in my case. There is no story, or shame you can share with me that I won\’t simply nod and shrug over, nothing. Toppling, tumbling and tripping are a way of life for me now. When I run down streets in Chelsea people actually come out of their houses and say \”OMG will you look at that, did you ever see such a sight?\” etc etc. I mean, they don\’t actually shout out the words, but I read eye language. So kindred giant, welcome to the highlands! Speaking of which Malcolm is FUNNY isn\’t he? And nice and I don\’t know if I mentioned it but a rather skilled kisser. Freds is more the sort of guy to bring a wry smile to a girl\’s lips than to have her rolling on the floor with giggle burps. BTW don\’t do burpy giggles at the party, wear ballet pumps and visualise the catwalk as you move serenely through the crowd and the boys will fall at your feet. Channel Portia, tall, serene, glidy and did I mention stick to ballet pumps! A skirt can never be too short if the legs are long enough, this is true. You will rock! Oodles, Calypso

Q. hey darling x ive bot your new book dumping princess i finished it in like a day it waz soooo gd lolz n i waz just wonderig if theree is going 2 be another 1 coz if theres not i will die coz t cant be the end !!! i love your books so much and it wud just be tres tragic!! plz tell me if theres goin to be another 1 and when will it be out darling! xx luv frm sophie in scotland xxxxxx toodles xxxxx

A. Oh Darling Sophie, Please, please, please don\’t die! You might be the girl that saves the panda or the planet even! If writing a sequel will keep the breath in your youthful lungs it is my duty as a good and nice type of writing girl to come up with the goodies. I only hope they will be stylish enough for a Scottish lass like tu. You are clearly full to the brim of va-va-va-voom and culture (and I dare say the odd reel) as am I. And I\’m not boasting, my English lit teacher said just the other day that I was really something! \”You\’re really something, Miss Kelly,\” she said as she showered me in blues for pocket eating in class. I\’ve been pocket eating in her class for years and she\’s never once caught me. So I think that is an achievement. I think I am something…I just hope Malcolm does too when he finds out I\’m a pocket eater. Boys can be awfully stuffy about these things I find. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Star Darling, I was reading Stealing Princes and was just wondering what the chill room in your Derbyshire manor was for??? Purely out of curiosity though because I happen to have one too. It\\\’s for my computer and TV and PS2… I have sleepovers there too!!! Anyway better go, toodle pip xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A. Well Liberty, The darling daddums daftest has just redecorated it after he set fire to his beard in there. He\\\’s sooo got to give up smoking when he\\\’s tired. But you\\\’ll be pleased to know the zen pebble fountain water feature which flows into the Niagara water falls feature remains in tact. Everything else though is made of fireproof materials. Namely pebbles, stones and moss. So farewell beanbags and other comfy accessories. There is still a plasma screen that dominates each wall only the only show you can watch on it are film clips of Dirge performing horrendous sad old men ballads. The not-so-secret panelled door still opens onto a wet room (read HUGE BAR). I never go in there though because there\\\’s always some tragic hairy rock troll crashed out on the floor. Mind you the first thing they do on being discovered is start handing over cash to me, fearing I\\\’ll report them. Who they imagine I could report them to in this lawless land of ROCKERAMA madness is anyone\\\’s guess. Your chill room sounds way cooler and far more user friendly! PS, have you been on the Calypso blog – you just click the bunny at the site? LOL, Star

Q. Daarling Calypso, I have just finished the très très très beyond Dumping Princes, however I am still in total shock about you and Freds and Malcom. Anyways at the end of the book it seems like you start to like Freds again, is it true???? Also PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me that there is going to be another hundred books, because I am absolutely in LOVE with them just as I am with you and everybody else in your books except for her venomous magesty, Honey, even though she does make me laugh my self stupid sometimes. So yaah please tell them i said hi and that I give them my love. Also I have to gush about your magnifique books. I absolutely LOVE them. I have only taken a maximum of like three days to read them soo yaah its pretty obviuos that they are my life. And it is so weird because when I read them it is like I am you..I get sooo into it and I keep asking the rents if I can go to a boarding school in England but ofcoarse they say no. Yaah and if you ask my friends about how much I talk about them about you and your friends you will go pazzo trying to figure out how they are my friends if they are saying such mean-shut uppy stuff about moi (not as nasty asthe ice queen herself..honey). Ok well you will hear much more from moi about how utterly delicious everything about you, your friends, and all of the bonkeresque stuff in your books laters. <3 love elainaxxxxx times a mil. P.S. How is Rex, Dorothy Parker, Hilda, Brian, and all of the other luvvie pets in the ped shed? P.P.S. Please reply soon because if I can\’t read your books I have to read what you are saying to moi.

A. Darling Elaina, How gorgie, gorgie, gorgie that you love my books and my life. I\’m loving my life at the moment too. I\’m loving everyone. Full of joie de vivre and ooh-la-la vim. I even danced a jig with Miss Bibsmore tonight. I am walking on the tippy toe\’s of a girl in lurv. Half \’Tis tres, tres, late here now but we\’ve been prank calling Freds. Honey\’s actually being quite amusing although I suspect she\’s being awfully cruel to her manservant when we\’re not around. He\’s in a wheelchair now! I will write back but right now why don\’t you go to the blog (www.calypsochronicles.com and then click the BLOG rabbit!) and wade into the confabs going on in there! I\’m starting up a whole convo there soon about boarding schools so check it out. Oh and get your matage onto the blog as well so they can become infected with the same joie de vivre as tu, Oodles, Calypso x

Q. darling calypso tell us truely what does it really feel like to pull HRH by the way you describe freds I wish everyday i was you. I know you think sometimes your life seems crazy but i would trade you places in minute. i can\’t wait to hear from you. p.s. tell star, georgina , portia , you know everyone hi for me even vial honey xx

A. Darling Scarlett, Thank you soooo much for writing to me. I showed your email to everyone last night – even Vile Honey! I shan\’t tell you what she said but the girls say \”HI SCARLETT!\” We are doing our GCSE\’s a la mo so v.busy and crazy and we are all boy starved. Pulling Freds is tres, tres gorge but completely impossible to describe because I more or less black out during the pulling bit, into a sort of Disney world of twittering birds and playful rabbits and by the time I come to I\’m walking on air. I hope you meet someone like Freds, though like all boys (even charming, funny, fit ones) he is completely emotionally dysfunctional. Sarah told me that but I think it might actually be true. Oodles, Calypso

Q. ciao darling, i seriously heart your books so much! my fave character is portia because she sounds quite like me. your books make boarding school sound like the Valhalla of private education, are they seriously sooooo fabulesque. Anyway I totally have some questions. First Star\’s boyfriend is called Kevin Pyke, is this not the worst name ever? I mean Kevin shortened to Kev and Pyke- Pikey. He must be seriously contemplating a name change. And darling I seriously need to know about your boarding school style- I want an opinion from you indie georgina and portia because you know your style! evie holt-topping-hughes xx ps reply darling- i need your style soon! and totally put this on the webby because everyone I know wants a slice of your style

A. Darling Evie, I\’ve been away from my boarding school Valhalla enjoying the bliss of the South of France and OPV\’s (Other People\’s Villas). But my serenity was shattered when Honey called to say you\’d emailed HER! I am soooo mortified I can barely reply to your heartfelt and charming note. One thing I would say is that if you want style, where Honey is concerned, run like a mugger down Bond Street. The word on Harley Street Even her plastic surgeon is refusing her calls. Star doesn\’t love Kev because of his name obviously – I mean her own surname is Dirge? She is a girl of open mind and heart which is why I love her. As for style tips, can you be more specific darling? EG: Tobias thinks bow ties are al a mode whereas I wouldn\’t be caught dead in one. Indie does her own thing with short skirts and mad tops she seems to magic from thin air. I do ballet flats because I\’m so tall and Portia has her own inimitable style. Her rule of thumb is wear it until its thread bare unless its formal when she pulls all the stops out. Georgina has started buying some of my customised gear which has been a boon to my bank balance. We\’re all really into colour apart from Star who is a fashion refusenik – a runway refugee, as Honey puts it. Oodles and toodle pips, Calypso

Q. Dear Honey, OMGA I sooo have to know- are you the spawn of satan? ps your probably gorgeous anyway xx

A. Darling Nameless Nobody, Only a girl in league with the devil would ask such a question of one such as moi! I love you and want to borrow your latest Kelly and NEVER GIVE IT BACK! Maw, maw, Hon. Honey OHare

Q. Dear Calypso, I just came back from London, which I absolutely adored! I visited lots of the places you mention and wished you were there to be my tour guide! I was just wondering what your favourite store in London was for my next visit. I can\’t wait to hear about all of your newest adventures and I can\’t believe that Freddie would dump you and I hope that you become a movie!! -GG

A. Darling GG, How cool! What if I passed you on the KR? Wouldn\’t that be too feverishly gorge for words – even Ancient Greek ones which are sooo OTT I am falling in love with the subject (a sinister ploy of my horrible AG teacher). Go to Topshop for fab bargains and trip along Sloane Street for ideas. Camden market is good too for new designers and finding bits and bobs to customise outfits so they are totally, fabulously you darling! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I was just wondering if you can ask Georgina how Tobias feels being the only boy at an all girls school. Does he every feel excluded or alone? I know he has Georgina to talk to, but I suppose that it isn\’t the same as talking to another male/bear. Thanks!! Becca

A. Darling Becca, I put your incredibly sensible type question to Georgina and she explained (in a weary sort of voice) that \”bears of distinction such as Tobias live on a higher plane that puts them above gender based issues.\” I hope this makes more sense to you than it does to me. As far as I can tell he has only ever spoken to Georgina anyway. One thing is certain he\’s fiercely loyal to Georgina, anyone can see that! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Calypso darling, even though im English with a fabulesque heritage, i live in America and dont know what going to Eton on the 4th is? Just wanted to know if you could explain. Keep writing your fabulous books darling, toodle pips!! Lady A

A. Darling Lady A, Fourth of June is the most magnifique holiday at Eton, held to celebrate George III who was a jolly good chap when it came to chucking money at the college in days of yore apparently. THe real point is that girls get to go into Eton without being chased by attack dogs. You can wear lovely clothes and check out fit boys. Whenever you see pictures of Eton they always use a shot of boys rowing with flowers in their boaters – thats part of Fourth June. The maddest thing of all is that Fourth of June usually falls on the 31st May, a fact my bonkers father, Bob will NOT stop banging on about. He thinks it proves that the English public school system is overpriced. Then again he doesn\\\’t understand why boarding schools are called public schools here because in America a public school is free. I could spend my life explaining the English to Bob and he still wouldnt understand and hes married to one! If you are ever invited to Fourth June you should definitely go. Oodles, Calypso

Q. I absolutely adore the books about you calypso….. your life is truly amazing! You make everyone want to go to boarding school in England, even us American girls. But it was hard to catch on to all of you posh words at first! I’m so happy you and Freddie ended up together at the end of stealing princes but I haven’t had a chance to read dueling princes yet to see what happens next! I hope you and freddy end up in love because he sounds amazing and so do you…Emily…U.S.A (but constantly dreaming about attending boarding School in England)

A. Darling Emily, I utterly adore you and wish you attended boarding school in England (pref Saint Augustines) as then I wouldn\’t be the only American Freak here. Actually Dueling is tres, tres, exciting and lovely and wonderful in terms of love and other fabulesque things. Freds is perfect no doubt about it… but then I do seem to have the most awful habit of mucking my life about. Note to self: Stop mucking about with own love life, I want to be all Italian and La Dolce Vita-ish: analyse less. Laugh and love more. So next term you shall see a new me. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Darling calypso, I am going to go to Eton June 4th and its tommorrow and I have no idea what to wear and I am going around with a friend who is gorgeous and I don\’t want to look shabby so darling, je suis in a mega-crisis please help me!!!!!! Oh yaar and don\’t forget to keep writing ur tres bien books darling, I am so looking forward to when your 4th book comes out!!! ciao darling have a fabulesque 1/2 term ttfn and toodle-oo S xxxxx

A. Darling S, We are all going to Fourth of June and we are all suffering the same dilemma! I am staying in Star\’s London house and her room is awash with our try-ons as I type. Wear a longish skirt obviously, and follow the rule a la mo NO BLOCK COLOURS! Flat shoes and lashings of lipgloss. Most important, Keep a keen eye out for the Uzis and Textbooks! They are the Etonian band to watch!!!!! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PUTTING UP A MINI-SUMMARY OF DUMPING PRINCES, DARLING!!!! I am now so excited I can hardly wait until october! why do the books get published so many months apart? I know you need time to chronicle (no pun intended) your adventures darling, but I practically shrivel up and wilt once I finish a book and then realize the next publishing date is around a ghastly 8 months away. I have no idea what I will read. :p however, the summarys given me something to look forward to, and already I know a great new book is on the way! Also, it is the perfect book for me because my rotten slug *mutters a variety of things under breath* of a boyfriend just broke up with me (yes, he is an absolute kev. Why I dated him I dont know). darling, do you have any advice for (a) getting even and (b) getting over him? I mean, when we first started dating, he was a completely different person: fit, intelligent, sweet, and not afraid to be himself (btw, this is not because he just broke up with me! I noticed this before now, while we were together). throughout the year, he is been getting worse and worse. he is neglecting his grades, is incredibly irritable, is rude to his friends, and is very crude. also, he is conforming to a standard. I think this must be because the people whose standard he was trying to meet used to make fun of him and it eventually drove him insane. But oh well. It wouldnt be so bad if he hadnt sent me a lovely V-day gift in February. adorable little kissing bears, and a card that said so many wonderful things that I convinced myself maybe he hadnt changed. But now that we have broken up, I see him for the chav he really is. Oh, and he ditched me for (a) a girl who looks like Pop-eye (not my description; the rents said that) and (b) a girl whos so tall and ugly she looks like the jolly green giant but uglier (again, rents). So darling, any advice? Cant wait to read the next book! Please keep posting little tidbits- they made my day today! kisses, Sara

A. Darling Sara, Firstly, how dare he dump a fabulesque creature like toi! You are remarkable! I know that because a) you read my chronicles and b) you have been seriously onto the true nature of this chavscum for some time. Lovely words on a card – gorg, we love that. Literary expressions of feelings always welcome. Kissing bears sounds oh sooo chavtastic and quite sad actually (even a little sick). He was playing you then and you should never have given him the time of your precious day. As for the time gap with my books, speak to the publishers darling. I really, really do report swiftly! Oodles, Calypso xxx

Q. Hi Great Evil One, Why do you make Calypso\’s life and her love life a misery? Stella

A. Dear Stella (by the way ghastly name)! Meow, I have been accused of many things in my life: having a fascinating hypnotically unique and desirable beauty, wit, style and star quality, but suggesting one such as moi would find interest in the dreary non-love life of a peasant like Calypso Kelly (American by the way!) is frankly the most risible insult I have suffered in the past hour. Calypso does, it is true, long for my company, and being charitable, I have on occasion sweetly indulged her. I even let her throw up in my Fendi baguette don\’t you know. If thats not kindness I don\’t know what is. Sometimes I don\’t know why I bother being so patient. Now is one of those times. Nice girls finish last! Meow, The Most Glamorous Evil One

Q. Subject: plz tell me me and my friend luv ur books and we cant wait2 gt duling princes. i was the first person 2 read the books then i gave them 2 my best buddie (who is going to a different secondry skol then me) stella. she luvd them 2 so i gave them 2 sophie and then 2 alex. we luv ur lipgloss] A x

A. Darling A, Duelling Princes is on the shelves now! Check out the site www.calypsochronicles.com . Actually borders have it on there best-seller table. You have to read about the new fabulous Scottish hero (check the character section)! His name is Malcolm! Also my Top Style trips section is finally up – with secret hints for pulling fit boys and princes. Oodles, Calypso xxx

Q. My friends and I ADORE the books and were so happy when Freddie came to your rescue. We are using the same secret code as you, Georgina and Star, \’Wear you pain like lipgloss\’! We are hoping that there will be a film and we dream that we\’ll be in it (doubts). Is there going to be a film and how many more books will there be? I seriously just could not put the book down once I had read it. I hope alll is well. Email back please. From Stella in Scotland Darling Stella from Scotland, and friends, I am over the moonarama that you like my books, and Freds. I have to say I have been wearing mad amounts of lipgloss of late myself. I swear I have had THE MOST MISERABLE EASTER IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE! And due to Sarah and Bob\’s draconian pocket money cruelty, I truly fear the day will come when I have to chose between lipgloss and phone credit and that is blatantly wrong by anyones moral code surely? I hope you enjoy Malcolm (another Scot) who makes the world a more unusual place to be to say the least…it\’s all in Duelling Princes which is out now. As for a film they\’ll only get behind it if loads of books sell. Honestly, Hollywood is sooooo madly cheap (and I should know because I am from there). But I promise, on my rabbit\’s diamante collar (which is tres chic) that you will audition and at least be an extra. Keep track of the website for upcoming books. So far there are 4. Oodles, Calypso x

A. Darling Stella from Scotland, and friends, I am over the moonarama that you like my books, and Freds. I have to say I have been wearing mad amounts of lipgloss of late myself. I swear I have had THE MOST MISERABLE EASTER IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE! And due to Sarah and Bob\’s draconian pocket money cruelty, I truly fear the day will come when I have to chose between lipgloss and phone credit and that is blatantly wrong by anyones moral code surely? I hope you enjoy Malcolm (another Scot) who makes the world a more unusual place to be to say the least…it\’s all in Duelling Princes which is out now. As for a film they\’ll only get behind it if loads of books sell. Honestly, Hollywood is sooooo madly cheap (and I should know because I am from there). But I promise, on my rabbit\’s diamante collar (which is tres chic) that you will audition and at least be an extra. Keep track of the website for upcoming books. So far there are 4. Oodles, Calypso x

Q. Dearest Calypso, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Another compettition.. I just love this tres fantabulousious website Calypso. And oh god, good job on keeping the Ask Calypso collumn FILLED with lovely letters..If i were you, I would have lost track of the number of letters i\’d have recieved on the website, cause its so totally obvious EVERYBODY goes to your website (because its the most happening thing thats ever happened!!) I bet all girls around the world everywhere, from Paris, to Rome, to Zimbawe, to every other places, read your books and love them as much as I do. So anyways, I\’d love very much to spamm up your lovely website with my rendittion of the EASTER COMPETTITION WINNING PHRASE!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! lol.. Well, here goes: Some princes have the mentality of five year olds, and some dont. Frogs on the other hand, well, i haven\’t got first hand expierence with either frog or prince. So i\’m just going to stick with Calypso\’s tres interesting happenings to find out how being with a prince compares to being with a frog!

A. Darling, You are soooo worshipfully gorg to say all those lovely things! Please tell me you\’ve entered the publishers competition or I shall faint. I\’d love to say more but we are having issues with Tobias who is well pissed off about being dragged back from Deepest Darkest Peru (somewhere near Piccadilly apparently) that he\’s in a MAJOR sulk. Georgina can\’t bear him like this. Its ruined her trip to Verbier (even though she was having a majorly crap time). Oodles. Calypso – oh and check out the TOP TREND TIPS SECTION of the site for fashion tips on how to pull a prince….

Q. Hiya, I brought ya newish (still annoyed it came out in da usa first) book yesterday and I thought it brill, I was up all night reading! I couldn\’t put it down, glad 2 hear that its on the best-seller table at Borders, just can\’t wait till the next book is out. x from a very tired chick x

A. Darling Tired Chick, Get a good terms sleep because Dumping Princes is on the way! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Darling Calypso, I was lying in bed thinking about the gorgeous etonian guys and how unlucky some girls are not to find the perfect guy when I thought about this entry for the competition: \’Finding a frog can be easy and painless, but finding your prince (every girl has one!!) is not easy and definitely not painless\’ And I quote from Natasha Beddingfield\’s song \’Frogs and Princes\’ How many frogs do I have to kiss before I find my prince\’ She must have had this competition in mind! Ciao, toodles and ttfn darling! xxxSxx

A. Darling S and Tiara, You are living proof that it pays for a girl to have a teddy she can trust! Tobias dived on your entry and asked if their was a photo of her. He is a bit of a scoundrel so I wouldn\’t send one in. Oodles, ciao ciao and ttfn, Calyspoxxxxxxxxx

Q. Some day my prince will come…………..till then I\’ll settle for the frog.

A. Exactly why waste time? Oodles, Calypso

Q. I just realized my PRINCE is really just a FROG with a fancy crown.

A. Darling, I wish I had your incisive talent! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hey Calypso! I love your books. NEVER stop writing about your stories at ST A. I\’ ve got a phrase for you- Few frogs are princes, but most princes turn out to be frogs. I have read the description for your next book and I think it is awful Freds dumped you. If there is a movie, can you send me info on auditions-if there are any taking place in the States-? I can\’t wait for the next book. xxxKells P.S.I know a great bear for Tobais named Tianna

A. Darling Kells & Tianna, I love that you love my books and love your entry. Oodles, Tyne

Q. Easter Competition Entry. You know how some frogs are princes and some princes are mean and nasty like frogs(rarely, but there are a few) and some girls thinks they can make the boy behave nicer, but we all know no matter how fit they may be, some guys just aren\’t worth it.(Kinda like self obsessed toffs, you shouldn\’t waste your time with them.)Well here\’s my phrase \”You can take a prince out of a frog, but you can\’t take the frog out of the prince.\” So, hope you and Tobias love it, and I love your books. Toodle Pip Lady A

A. Darling Lady A Thank you for your entries. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear calypso here is my entry. Also i would like to mention that my bunny Miss Flippity-flop, also has a very keen interest in Tobias, and she told me to write to you and tell you that while she is not a bear, she is a very attractive rabbit (her words not mine). Well anyway i hope u like my story and I hope u put my entry on ur fabby dabby website. FROGS, at least their better than bird-dogs And kissing them is almost as good as eggnog But only if you have some breath mints And the frog turns out to be your very fit PRINCE!!!!! luve SK

A. Darling SK, Tobias has gone to sking in Verbier to get a tan. He wanted to go to Deepest Darkest Puru but Georgina doesn\’t want him falling into bad habits. I will defintely send him Miss Flippity-Flop\’s details. Your entry has been duly posted darling. Oodles, Calypso xxx

Q. Dear Tobias My teddy bear want me to write an email to Tobias, So this her from now on.My names Esmerelada. We share a lot in common. I want to put my name on emails before, but I thought no. But then I saw Tiara wrote to u so I thought ye I will. I love your picture on the website, please don’t get your ear changed. You should also get your own web page, for the lady bears out there. I have shone your picture to my friends and they also think your ear is cute. I and I think Tiara (even though u have never met her) are very very glad that you survived brian. Lots of love Esmerelada Ciao x

A. Darling Esmeralda, You seem a very kind and sympathetic bear. I appreciate your compliments. Don\’t tell Georgina but I am off to Deepest Darkest Peru for the Easter Break. I have never been fond of skiing and I don\’t suit a tan. If I get a chance I shall send you a more realistic photograph of myself from which you will notice two things – 1) I badly need an ear job – I can\’t bear my ears. 2) Regardless of what Calypso might say, I didn\’t fully survive Brian. I had to have a lot of stitches. I am still seeing the school therapist daily and she has reported there is little hope that I will ever be able to have a normal relationship with a snake – not that I have ever sought one. Snakes are not a natural mate for bears as will understand Esmeralda being a bear yourself. We bears have long accurate memories and I feel very badly done by indeed. Ive seen Georgina through thick and thin and I think she should have made more of a fuss to have that Brian removed. I hope my mysterious trip to Deepest Darkest Peru will teach her and her friends an important lesson about the pride of the bear. Asta la vista baby, Tobias

Q. Hi darling these are a few of the phrases that me and my darling teddy Tiara thought up and thank you soo much for the prize from the valentine competition duelling princes is so stunning i called every one and told them that they simply must buy it when it comes out!!! A prince is never real( yes even the distressingly fit ones!) until an absolutely gorgeous princess (like moi), kissed it as a frog( Gross I know but think of the outcome…) The prince of the frogs was never very popular but once it was pulled by the princess of lilies it went from frog to prince…. and back again( soo true once you\’ve pulled them you find out the awful truth!) Princess\’ are never too fond of finding there prince through the yellow pages but its better than kissing a frog or toad for that matter… You should never kiss a frog because 1. A boy should always make the first move 2. The frog would smudge your lipgloss! not that i\’ve tried but its my,,,, theory Thank soooo much! ciao ciao and ttfn! xxxxxs

A. Darling S and Tiara, You are living proof that it pays for a girl to have a teddy she can trust! Tobias dived on your entry and asked if their was a photo of her. He\’s a bit of a scoundrel so I wouldn\’t send one in. Oodles, ciao ciao and ttfn, Calyspoxxxxxxxxx

Q. Darling calypso, do tell Tobias that Tiara is just as facinated by Tobias. Darling Tiara has read the books a checked out the picture of Tobias on your page shes been infatuated by him ever since!!but she hates putting pictures of herself up on the internet she says sorry Tiara also wrote a special phrase for Tobias for the competition with just a little help from me darling: My prince is special he\’s not the typical prince you\’d imagine and he is too gorgeus to have been a frog in past time you may be thinking who is this perfect guy?? Tobias Ciao ciao and oodles from moi and Tiara xx

A. Darling S abd Tiar, Tobias is jumping on the bed he\’s so excited (and vain!) He\’s like a bear on heat. Oodles, Calypso and Tobias

Q. ttfn dais xxxxxx Wise words! ttfn Calypso xxxxx

A. Wise words! ttfn Calypso xxxxx

Q. Darling, many thanks for putting Malcolm in your characters. Are the secrets about him being a Duke and Indie having to marry a Nigerian Prince going to be in the next book, or are they just for the website? What does Indie think about him having your picture on his lapels!?!? Love the books darling! Toodle Pip, Lady A

A. Darling Lady A, Your will is my command – I\’m sooo glad you love Malcolm the patron saint of wet girls everywhere! My editor has prohibited me from answering any of your other questions though. You\’ll have to wait for October for your answers, but oh it will be worth it. I promise! oodles and pippity pips all round, Calypso

Q. Hi Calypso! Wow, it\’s like totally mad talking to you. Anyway darling, I need some top tips from a tip top girl. (Oooh, must note that expression.) Anyway… I\’ve got this girl at school (my God, is she like Honey) and she madly and badly hates me for no apparent reason. I\’m not very good at firing back insults at her and I don\’t really think that\’s the way… I tend to totally blurt everything out, just like you, and say really random stuff. Any guidance for dealing with psycho toffs outside of Honey World? Love ya, darling. Say hi to Star, Georgina (not forgetting Tobias) and Indie for me. Ellie x

A. Ellie Darling, Always delighted to hear from a fellow blurter. You and I will never be a match for toxic psycho toffs with rapier tongues. Sadly we must leave the quick riposte is braver girls like Star or girls of aloof demeanours like Portia. The death stare can work, as long as you only use it when you catch her randomly looking at you. Death stare her for a short moment and then smile ever so sweetly. On other occasions smile sweetly and then death stare – that will make her feel on edge. You next weapon is to make her feel unimportant. Always pretend you didn\’t hear what she said first time and make her repeat it – then if it was something evil, smile vaguely or nod distractedly and say, that sounds brilliant darling or – soz that was sooo rude of me, I misheard again and now I\’ve got to dash! If you are with your posse when she takes a swipe, do the same, only this time make her repeat it her vile bile again and again. Then say – bless, thanks for that and soz about making you repeat yourself over and over again, I really shouldn\’t be such a bitch to you darling. Oodles, Top Tip Girl, Calypso NEWS FLASH – a new top tip section on how to become a writer coming soon.

Q. Hey darlings, this this is my frog, what will hopfull turn into that prince over thier. If not back to the pond for another go! by abi simpson x

A. Perfection Abi darling, Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hi Calypso! I wanna be exactly like you! tell me about yourself darling, and tell me how i can be like you. Kiwi

A. Darling Kiwi, I just fainted when I read you actually want to be like moi! Why darling? Why would you want to be like mad, blurting moi? I always want to be aloof like Portia, wise like Tobias, brave like Star, entitled like Georgina, kind and stunning like Indie and ever-ready with the cutting comeback like Honey but my mad blurting self always gets in the way. I bet out there, someone wants to be like you. Star, the ultimate wildchild believes that being unreservedly, wildly you is what makes a girl stand out. Tobias agrees so it must be true. But if you are determined in this quest, read all the books and study the website. The top secret tip is that coming soon is a how to get started as a writer section. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Darling Calypso, I have just met the fittest guy in the world (literally). OK I was walking down Sloane Street with my brother Patrick and we went into Hacket. Inside was the fittest guy there’s no point in describing him darling you’d faint by the sound of him. Anyway I bumped into him ‘by accident’ and we got talking and he asked me out because, lets face it I make Gisele Bundchen look bad. Only problem is I don’t know his name (I know its awful darling) and I don’t know where to meet up with him for our date! Darling I am in desperate need of help!!! Have a loved up Valentines Day with Freddie and I shall think of you while gazing into …… the guys eyes!!!! Ciao darling ttfn and see you soon love xx sophie

A. Darling Sophie, This is the most horrendous thing I have heard today. And it was only yesterday that Miss Bibsmore Honeys mobile and she commandeered mine. As a girl who is easily bedazzled by fit boys I know how easy it is to do that nodding, eyelash flapping, blabbering thing instead of the sensible mobile number exchange thing. Unfortunately, when in the presence of worshipful wonderfulness, names, dates and times are the last thing on a girls mind. You have to approach this logically. Is Patrick noooo help darling? None whatsoever? Oh, the agony of it all. Okay, so we know this god boy enjoys the air in Hacket (good sign) but presumably he doesnt work there. I know it would look tres tragic but at times like these you wished shops like Hacket issued customers with name tags. There is a good chance hes a PS boy and ipso facto word of mouth will lead you to him eventually – but eventually can be a long time. With all the money his parents have spent on his education, he really should have had the presence of mind to introduce himself and insist he commit his number to your mobile. As soon as you are released for half term you must haunt Slaone Street, the Kings Road and environs. Maybe do a small sketch of him and ask around? Ill cross my fingers that your search yields treasure in time for V.Day. Oodles, ttfn and ciao, Calypso xx

Q. Dear Calypso, I thought ur new Mad Latin Phrases section was sooo fantabulous that I decided to use some of the super smart phrases in my Easter comp entry, I hope u don\’t mind. There once was a little frog princess who so desperately wanted to meet a fantastically fit little frog prince that she went to the local town fair. She set up a pro bono kissing booth, and just as she had been hoping for, along hopped the (very fit)little frog prince of her dreams. The frog princess was in flagrante delicto of pulling her prince by a photographer from Croaker (the froggy equivalent of Tatler). However she didn\’t mind one bit! After that she and her froggy prince lived happily ever after, (even when they were in boring lessons like double maths and had to email and txt each other on their froggy sine qua non) THE END hope u like it! lots of hugs and kisses luv Sarah-kate

A. Darling Sarah-kate, I love, love, love it! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hi Calypso! this is the first time i\’ve ever written to you Hunnibun but it\’s sehr sehr important! i\’m going through another Freddie/Billy crisis except i cant choose between two guys called Toby and Gareth. Gareth is older than i am- 16 to be exact, but i know toby better. they are both equally fit and hilarious. unlike you i row with them instead of fence and gareth is my coach, i see him loads more than toby. i really dont know what to do!! please help. i think they both like me back but gareth has just come out of a relationship- with one of my close friends. i would really apprieciate it if you could help me out. Lots of (bear)hugs and (butt) kisses, Lydia xxxxxxxxx

A. Darling Lydia, OMGA, pull both! Toby first because you know him better and then Gareth who by then won\’t be on the rebound. Also, you don\’t want your friend thinking you desired her boyfriend the entire time she was going out with him. Tres, tres, important to consider political repercussions of love in these angst ridden times. Oodles and happy rowing, Calypso

Q. A woman must kiss a lot of frogs before finding a prince!

A. Darling, How true! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Easter Competition Once, there was a shiny mushroom and a FROG lived under it with the PRINCE of the Gumdrops, everyday they went to visit the birds that said mmwa, and they all lived happily ever after with Yoda from Star Wars. Lizzee

A. Darling Lizzee, Totally fabulesque! oodles, Calypso

Q. what do frogs and princes have in common… both have good Tongue action! not to bad i hope…

A. Not too bad at all…Bravo! oodles, Calypso

Q. Dearest Calypso, I was skimming about your website when I read about your newest contest. And it just so happens that I have a fantabulous tale about a frog and a prince. And no, it is most certainly not about the princess kissing the frog and turning into a prince. Oh, no no no. That is just so cliche. You see, this story is much more original. So, there was this horribly ugly prince long ago called Prince AjdkfhjksdfhskzdjfhkjSIMON (Simon For Short, as many liked to call him). He was a lonely fellow, and his only friend was his beloved frog, Grenouille. One day, as Grenouille was lolling around the lake, eating bugs and doing other froggy things, he spotted a beautiful lady frog. We shall call her Beautiful Lady Frog for she had no known name. When asked what she was doing around his very own territory, she responded simply by saying, \”I was looking for a Prince Simon. My master sent me to fetch him.\” So off hopped Grenouille to grab Simon to bring him to Beautiful Lady Frog. Prince Simon, who, prior to being fetched by Grenouille, had been hypnotized by the Wicked Frog of the Pond. Simon, after meeting Lady Frog, exclaimed, \”My my, you are the most beautiful princess I\’ve ever met,\” and kissed her. Then Simon turned into a fire-breathing catfish and ate the world. The moral of this amazing story: Boys simply suck. The End. Love always, -Carmen P.S. I\’m patiently waiting for your next book. And if Freddie breaks up with you or vice versa, I\’m so totally hunting you down. But still, no need to feel threatened, love. (Hah. I\’m totally kidding). P.P.S. You know, I fence sabre as well. But unfortunately I got second to last place in the last tournament I was in. But hey, I\’m a newbie at it. I also write, however I\’m lacking inspiration at the mo. Boy troubles and stress. Errr.

A. Darling Carmen, Boys are our playthings – it is a tres tres sad that sometimes they aren\’t much fun to play with. Unlike fencing! Respect for coming second in your last tournament, second is magnifique-ish! Unfortunately its just not first! Dumping Princes is out in October, you can see the cover on the website now. Please don\’t hunt me down and kill me. Bob and Sarah would hate that. Oodles, Calypso

Q. A frog who is a prince cant be a prince for princes are way to cut to be frogs, if you know what I mean, really who wants a frog to be a prince when frogs are like non fit unlike princes who are so ahhh fit you see what I am saying, so pick me. Touché!

A. Touché! Oodles, Calypso

Q. why do all the frogs look like princes? what do you do when the prince you kissed turns into a frog? if you kiss a frog and he turns into a prince do you still get warts? what is the difference between frogs and princes… one is the color green while the other is full of it! Loving it Darling! Oodles, Calypso

A. Loving it Darling! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Lord, it\’s such a shame That boys think it\’s just a game One day, they\’re quite sweet And bringing you treats The next they say, \”You\’re all the same!\” Some time, we\’ve all been in this mince And haven\’t recovered since Yes, this one\’s a hog A lamentable frog, But how do you tell if the next one\’s a PRINCE? <3 <3 <3 <3 Good luck, Calypso! Love, Sara N

A. Darling Sarah, You are an Easter goddess. I hope you get loads of chocolate! Oodles, Calypso

Q. OMG darling you will never guess what just happened! I got asked out by only the FITTEST boy at Eton! Not only is her Titled, rich, famous but he is introducing me to all his friends at Eton and Radley! Oh darling- maybe my life isnt so tragic anymore! Omg and also I was at The Mistletoe with him and there was a picture of us pulling in TATLER! Omg so how do I keep him? Coz hes such a flirt dahhling!!!!!!!! Mwah mwah Lots of Love Diamond xxxxxx

A. OMGA Darling, Keep doing what you are doing and keep up the natural look – lashings of lipgloss and mascara. You so blatantly have the ooh-la-la factor so beloved of boys. Can this paragon of fitness get me a copy of the Uzzis and Textbooks CD? I shall be think worshipful things about you for ever and ever. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Once, there was a shiny mushroom and a FROG lived under it with the PRINCE >of the Gumdrops, everyday they went to visit the birds that said mmwa, and >they all lived happily ever after with Yoda from Star Wars

A. ooh-la-la

Q. not all PRINCE charmings have transformed from a FROG! from princess goldfish

A. Ooh-la-la

Q. dear Calypso, I need some girl advice. You see today I stayed home sick because of something embarrassing that I will not name as that would lead to further humiliation. But back to the point, every day my best friend and I carpool together so this morning my mother calls her and tells her my embarrassing sickness and that I wont need a drive anyway when the school day is done I go online to chat with people. When I get online everyone asks about my sickness including the guy I like. It turns out when my friend got to school she told my slightly less of a best friend what was wrong with me and so this whos mouth is the size of. Great Britain tells the whole school! Now I dont what to do on monday morning or what to say and my extremely dim-witted parents are offering up no sympathy please tell me something brilliant and witty to say or do on Monday I really need it. Lola

A. Darling Lola, I was mortified to receive your email, because, well it mortifying, but also Ive been away and so Im worried my completely mental random advice will be wasted. Which might be just as well. Okay, so I dont know what your embarrassing sickness is but it sounds like words totally out thanks to Great Britain Mouth. But people are writing to ask you about the embarrassing illness not to mock you and one of these people is actually the guy you like! I think you should take their concern at face value and thank them with your sweetest smile – or be totally honest and say your mortified that everyone knows about why you missed Friday and then faint. I suspect your day off will soon be forgotten as quickly as Honey forgets her occasional fashion faux pax. Yes, its true, she was caught in Verbier in a Russian cossack hat. There was a photograph but she ate it. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, Well, before I go on about my problem, I wanted to say how much I adore and enjoy your books! Anyway, just recently I have gotten a boyfriend which I reluctantly admit is a first because I can never find a guy who is nice and fit ( He is deffinately nice, he gave me a rose, a teddy bear, chocolates and a card for Valentines day, I was beet red all day!). Anyways I met him at a audition for a play and we hit it off just fine, which of coarse means we flirted and such, and did I mention that he is quite fit? He got one of the leads in the play, and is a year older than me. (I absolutely love to draw, act, read, and write!)The problem is a lot of girls, are saying I can do a lot better, and I found out that they all like my boyfriend and are trying to get me to break up with him! Darling, I am asking for advice since I really dont know who to talk to since my dad is always away on business, my mother has her own problems wth my little sisters (who are twins), and! my friends either have there own problems and I dont want to trouble them with mine, or just dont really care. I move a lot so I never have the same group of friends for to long, so I never know how far their loyalty\’s lie.I also havent been abole to spend much time with him since he stays on the Green floor while I am on the red floor and we are both in different grades. So Darling, to close this off I really do think this would make a excellent movie, and I hope everything stays good between you and Prince Charming (aka:Freddie)!~Shelby*

A. Darling Shelby, I was both delighted and saddened to receive your email! This witch carnival of friends telling you a boy isn\’t good enough for you because they fancy him themselves defies the laws of sisterhood. All the idols on my idols page (see character section) would be horrified. It sounds like a plot worthy of Shakespeare. No wonder you don\’t feel you can trust anyone. But darling, I know the feeling. It is exactly how I felt before Star and I became a posse of two. I\’d just add that loyalty and friendship are always tricky to negotiate (even more so if you move around a lot) but I still think you have to make a small leap of faith at some point. After all that was how I came to be friends with Georgina, Arrabella, Clemmie and later Portia and Indie. Girls like Honey on the other hand are best kept at a safe distance. Then again she\’s a bit of a one off. On the upside I\’m fearfully keen on the sound of this Fitty of yours who showers you in worshipful gifts. I plan to tell Freds about him tout a suite! I can see the Red Floor Green floor issuing being a prob but its better than woods teaming with attack dogs and razor wire which is what I have to scramble through if I want to see fittys outside of weekends in Windsor. Oodles, Calypso

Q. hi darling, well firstly i just wanted to say how much j adore your darling books calypso. i cant believe that someone has finally started to tell the truth about all-girls boarding school…..and it isnt exaggerated like so many people seem to want to keep telling me! anyways, to the point now, else i suspect this could turn into one of my terrible tangents when i write loads but never say what i want…..rather ennuyeux really……right, so getting back to the point, i wanted to ask your advice since you seem to be so wordly wise about how to survive at boarding school. basically, im pretty shy around most people and probs im viewed as a total boffin, and there are quite a few girls in my house who i really like but the never even acknowledge that i exist at all, except one when we have to walk back from lax/hockey together…anyway, getting on point again, i really want some advice on how to best to make friends with them….since i really have no ideas….. also, since all the guys are know are the idiots ( for want of a slightly less rude word ) i was at prep school with…and i live in deepest darkest gloucestershire, and like never go to darling Londres except when i am on hols because my padre is never at the flat, and my madre hates taking me up to Londres i was wanting some little tips on finding some fittys…..since you are boy magnet extraordinaire. anyhus, i think it is a travesty if you dont make a movie, because the books are so fabulous……and it would be so cool to audition, not that i would probs get the part anyway. i cannot WAIT for the next book…i have read pulling and stealing about fifty billion times since i bought them……..and they never get boring!! hopefully youll carry on writing them for ages because they really are sooooooooooo fabulous!!!! all my love darling, ra-ra, cheltenham ladies xxxx

A. Darling Cheltenham Ladies, Merci, merci, merci, for your lovely letter, your tangents and for calling me a boy magnet extraordinaire. I am feel quite explosively vain, though I expect the Duke of Edinburgh thingamee were doing this weekend will knock the joie de vivre out of me. Now to tackle this problem of yours boffin to boffin. Lets first dance on this myth being peddled by mad teachers and school therapists that the best way to make friends is to be yourself – what is that all about? Like, who else could you be? The real issue here is so blatantly the never going to Londres thingamee. Quelle horreur! I could faint with the deprivation and misery of it all. Gloucestershire is magnifique, but surely not going to Londres on a semi-reg basis isn\\\’t against some Geneva Human Rights convention! It is definitely not helping your life AT ALL because how are you meant to do the KR (where the streets are paved with fittys) with your posse? And how do your darling madre and padre imagine youll ever meet up with your posse while they insist on this draconian No Londres stance. It sooo blatantly has to stop! Public School girls (that\\\’s boarding school for American readers) need Londres like plants need the sun. Darling, you have to take this matter up with the rentals in the sternest possible way. Next exeat, sit them down, pour them a good stiff sherry or a vodka and ask them, Darling Madre and Padre do you want a lonely tragedy for a daughter? I expect they will say, no – and possibly swoon with horror! Then you will say, then take me off this fast track to nowhere and take up regular residence our Londres pied a terre, tout de suite! Parents have to realise the world does not revolve around them and their needs all the time. I have to remind Sarah and Bob of this seemingly obvious fact on a daily basis. Keep me posted darling. Oodles, ra-ra and toodle pip, Calypso

Q. Calypso, I was just wondering… I am a huge fan. I have read all your books and happened to be a huge of fencing as well (my bro thinks it is a drag). I know how much you love Freds. I was wondering what will happened if ever Freds leaves you. Sincerely, Nollie Marie Lower Sixth, Inspired Fencer, and Writer

A. Darling, Darling N.M. I always wanted a brother, preferably older and madly cool. You know someone to introduce me to his fit friends, make me en trend compilation cds and prankcall idiot boys who were mean to me or my friends. But the more girls who write in with stories of useless brothers being uncooperative prank callers and sneering at their sisters achievements, the happier I am to be brother free. Your bro is blatantly jealous and feels feeble and useless that his sister can rinse him at something. Like all sabres, if Freds leaves me, I will take it on the chin and live to fight another bout. But in-between I shall be desolate, inconsolable and drown myself in ancient greek tragicesque misery. Let\’s not talk about such things now though. I got three Valentine\’s Day cards, THREE – and I don\’t even know who one of them is from. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I am doing a project for gym class and fencing sounds like something I would like to try someday, so I\’m writing a paper on it. I don\’t think you could reply to this letter with information about fencing because that would be way too much, so I was wondering if you knew of any good sites on fencing that have the history of it and a lot of other important information. I also was wondering, how tall are Portia, Star, Honey, and Indie? And is Honey really pretty? Or is she just like horribly fake looking? I think I just a few more questions..sorry if I\’m asking too much. Do you all have really good skin? Because there is never anything about any of you having pimples in the books, at least I haven\’t noticed. What do you do to keep your skin clear? Any special remedies? Thanks, darling!

A. Darling Chelsea, Congrats on developing an interest in fencing, the sport of sports! I highly recommend you start your research off at www.leonpaul.com Leon Paul is the worlds leading supplier of fencing equipment and their site is madly informative and has loads of links. Portia and Indie are both closing in on me at 5ft 9. Star is a bit of a midget at Saint Augustines standards at a measly 5 ft\’7. But while she maybe tiny by St Augustine\’s Beanpole standards she makes up for her lack of height with the most enormous personality. I hate to admit it, but Honey (5\”8) is actually really, really pretty and totally doesn\’t need all the botox, collagen and all the other rubbish things she\’s had done to her face. Luckily, top UK plastic surgeons refuse to hand out those foul ski-slope noses that American teens sport (believe me I\’m from LA and plastic surgery is never a good look for a teenager!) Now for the embarrassing spot question – yes, tis true, even Saint Augustine girls occasionally get spots. I\’ve never seen anyone with more than one blemish at a time at school and then its immediately zapped with L\’Occitane lavender disinfectant which is available at the infirmary. Plus our sport routine is ridiculously cruel and arduous which is apparently good for the skin. But here\’s our secret weapon, because we\’re not allowed makeup, apart from EXEATs, our skin is loads better than day school girls. Even when we do wear makeup its just loads of mascara and lashings of lip gloss because boys way prefer the natural look. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Calypso, I took the quiz and it said I was most like Honey, which really isn\’t that bad darling. I mean, she can be a tad bit psycho toffish sometimes, but she is a great fashionista and it girl. So even though Im most like Honey, please don\’t hold that against me. I also wanted to know if their are any other competitions coming up, that is for both british and american girls. Can\’t wait for Dumping Princes! Toodles Lady A

A. Darling Lady A, Fear not gorgeous creature. Sometimes even daft little moi has slightly Honeyesque leanings. Not that I\’m a psycho toff but Honey does have a unique knack of delivering the most enviously evil ripostes, regardless of consequence. I wish I could deliver an equally evil one liner to her just once, but as Star reminds me she also scores loads of own-goals, like the time she threw up in the her own Fendi mink baguette which she\’d leant me! You are right, designers are feverishly fond and she gets given loads of haute couture. She always models in London fashion week and this year she\’s been asked to do Milan. So yar, she is a worshipful fashionista, but, still scary and dangerous with it. Oodles, Calypso xx

Q. Calypso darling, i am on a road trip with my family. two friends i have had seriously forever are coming to meet me in new mexico(i live in Maine) and i want to get them presents, but i don\\\’t really know if i should make or buy. i mean i can sew and knit and draw and write, but im going to baja and that will definatly have tons of cool stuff. help me darling! -Clare

A. Darling Clare, How awesomely talented you are! Definitely make them something rather than buy. They can always buy themselves something. Knitting is the blatantly the most sophisticated art a la mo – even Honey knits – well she has Oopa knit stuff for her but she says she knitted it herself. Or you could do draw something for one, sew something for the other, etc. Personalised gifts are always more desirable and worshipful as long as they are perfectly executed, plus you can always add something cheap and gorg from baja for a laugh. Have a fabulesque time in New Mexico darling. Half term ends Sunday so I am sooooo envious. Wish I was there with you. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Darling Calypso, I have just met the fittest guy in the world (literally). OK I was walking down Sloane Street with my brother Patrick and we went into Hacket. Inside was the fittest guy there’s no point in describing him darling you’d faint by the sound of him. Anyway I bumped into him ‘by accident’ and we got talking and he asked me out because, lets face it I make Gisele Bundchen look bad. Only problem is I don’t know his name (I know its awful darling) and I don’t know where to meet up with him for our date! Darling I am in desperate need of help!!! Have a loved up Valentines Day with Freddie and I shall think of you while gazing into …… the guys eyes!!!! Ciao darling ttfn and see you soon love xx s

A. Darling S, This is the most horrendous thing I have heard today. And it was only yesterday that Miss Bibsmore confiscated Honeys mobile and she commandeered mine. As a girl who is easily bedazzled by fit boys I know how easy it is to do that nodding, eyelash flapping, blabbering thing instead of the sensible mobile number exchange thing. Unfortunately, when in the presence of worshipful wonderfulness, names, dates and times are the last thing on a girls mind. You have to approach this logically. Is Patrick noooo help darling? None whatsoever? Oh, the agony of it all. Okay, so we know this god boy enjoys the air in Hacket (good sign) but presumably he doesnt work there. I know it would look tres tragic but at times like these you wished shops like Hacket issued customers with name tags. There is a good chance hes a PS boy and ipso facto word of mouth will lead you to him eventually – but eventually can be a long time. With all the money his parents have spent on his education, he really should have had the presence of mind to introduce himself and insist he commit his number to your mobile. As soon as you are released for half term you must haunt Sloane Street, the Kings Road and environs. Maybe do a small sketch of him and ask around? Ill cross my fingers that your search yields treasure in time for V.Day. Oodles, ttfn and ciao, Calypso xx

Q. heya calypso n every1, i kno u prob get loadsa emails bout how goood ur books r, but i will say it agen they are the best books ever!!!! i love them so much………..there should really be a t.v series about the books, just like Jaqulenie Wilsons girls in love. I think people would defiantly watch it!! since Ive read all the books over and over again, all my m8s have bin reading them and they love them!!! i think honey is ghastley!! but Id love 2 go shopping with her…..HRH Prince Freds sounds sooooooooo hot, and Billy Pyke…..Ive just started fencing lessons and i really enjoy them!! there are loads of distressingly fit boys there!!! Thanks i love ur books sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much Lv ya Maeve xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo mwah

A. Darling Maeve, It is always a privilege and a pleasure to hear from fellow fencers out there, especially when they read the C. Chronicles. Honey has been a vile witch this term. She seems to have developed supernatural torture powers over Christmas break which enable her to send a shiver up your spine even when shes not in the room. There is talk that some girls in the year below are launching a class action against her for intimidation and they arent even in the same building as us! Since Miss Bibsmore became our House Spinster Honey has had her own battles to fight. Yesterday Miss B confiscated Honeys mobile (her actual super cool one, not last years model which she uses as her hand in before lights out). Her lower lip wobbled and she turned to me and said, Darling, Ill have to use your little chav mobile now I guess! And even though Star said, No you bloody wont, you mad b**tch! and death stared Honey out of the bedroom, I havent seen my chav phone since. C est la vie, not even that will dent my happiness because Vals Day is just around the corner and we break up for half term on Friday so I shall be Honey Free for an entire week!….oodles, Calypso, et al xxx

Q. Hi, Calypso. Um, Im just writing in for the Valentines Day contest, and I have a whole load of questions to ask. First, and I HAVE to know this, so PLEASE PLEASE answer: Dumping Prince? Dumping Princes? Are you really going to dump Freddie? Because I love you together, now that Ive read Dueling Princes (I didnt really like him until the end of Stealing, because of the whole Rough-and-Tumble, Portia lurve triangle mess). Also, just how old is Portias older brother? Is he in Freddies year or Billys? I just want to know, you know? And do you think I should go to boarding school? Ive applied to a few because some of my friends are, and my parents think itd be a good idea, so no convincing is needed, but Id miss all of my other friends. Of course, the fact that most of them let you request dorm mates is a plus, but still. P.S. I worship my long nails, too. I wont even cut them for volleyball… it wasnt exactly my brightest idea. Still, nail polish looks sooo great on longer nails. Its not so hard to grow them out, though, so dont worry. Rachel

A. Darling Rachel, You are a ledge! I am devastated by the death of my dead nail and you are the first person to give me any sympathy AT ALL! (And no, Honey, your suggestion that I get acrylic nails stuck on like all the other chavs IS NOT WHAT I CALL SYMPATHY!) I must end this speculation about DUMPING PRINCES by insisting that there is more to a book than a title! Ask yourself, were any Princes stolen in STEALING PRINCES? No, not one! So, you will just have to wait patiently until the leaves fall from the trees to read the full story. Anyway you will be getting ready for boarding school because you soooo definitely have to go – its the best (not that I thought so in the beginning). As to Malcolm, Freds has declared Malcolm a Hero for Our Times which I think is tres, tres sweet especially given he found me in a robe in Malcolms bedroom last term. But then Princes can afford to be generous…. Oodles, toodles and Valentines Day Noodles, Calypso

Q. Dear calypso, Ive heard about the Calypso Valentines day competition.HOW EXCITING!!! *screams with joy and then faints* Id do absolutely anything to win,even go a year without boys. I know, its sad isnt it?..But anywhos, Happee Happee valentines days!!!i wish i had something to do,other than the normy routine of sitting in my televisions face and munching on some mouldy chocolate pound cake.lol.Id like to get out for awhile, instead of brooding about lifes wonders in the shape of boy formed species. Anyway, id like to share with you a sinister tale though, before i get too carried away. You wouldnt want to see me in that state.WOO!..believe me..It all started with boys.. white cloud passes by and magical music starts playing. Once upon a time,or rather last monday, the guy i was crushing on, accidently poured his drink onto my lap and thus caused my wallet to get wet.and now its all soggy.and i cant go anywhere, because he damaged my beautiful,well the most ugliest but still beautiful, transport card thingy.and thats the reason/story behind why i cant go anywhere on valentines day.SO..lol..i hope you get the moral of this story,whatever it may be..lol Happy valentines day calypso.!! Now,wouldnt that autographed calypso chronicles book look gorgeous in my collection??..teehee heee. Love:shermin

A. Darling Shermin, If I had a brother, I would sooo insist he prank call this toxic drink spiller type boy and give him some home truth type words. I have heard of some low boy-stunts in my time and this chav is definitely joining the boy who dumped a girl in year 9 by txt – in the nuns freezer where he belongs. I wrote his name (Evil Drink Spiller) on a piece of paper earlier and Sister Regina was so horrified by your plight, she immediately placed it in the coldest part of the freezer compartment. Unless he buys you a new travel card toute suite, he can stay in the freezer forever. Or at least until the nuns defrost it next time. Heroines in days of yore, threw themselves in front of horses and other mad things so girls like you could have travel cards and the freedom to go out on Valentines Day. How dare this boy treat my readers so shabbily. oodles, Calypso

Q. Calypso, I absolutely love reading your mad but always tres wonderful stories!! I hope you never stop writing them. I am writing in to wish you a happy Valentines Day filled with romantic messages and pretty jewellery! If only I should be so lucky!! I would love to hear more gossip about St. Augustines and of course Freds! For I fear that I wont be able to make it through the summer until Dumping Princes comes out! I also would like to know something . Does that foul girl Honey have a boyfriend if so who. Because I pity the boy stuck with her on Valentines Day!! Well I hope your Valentines Day is simply marvelous! Ciao, Elizabeth

A. Darling Elizabeth, Merci, merci, merci. I hope I never stop writing as well. I am stealing myself for disappointment on Valentines Day but naturally I cant stop being quietly hopeful and overexcited. I doubt I shall receive pretty jewellery though as boys arent big on bestowing gifts here even HRHs. Such a strain. Its half term now so we are all out in force on the KR. Honey finally gave me my mobile back but only after she deleted all my address book/messages. Accidentally of course! So I have no hesitation in declaring her a slipper of the highest order, a tart of tarts. The biggest slut to hit Sloane Street and environs. Apparently, she was at Bouji Friday night where she was pulling some awful Eurotrash boy with a medallion and signet ring. Oh my giddy aunt, I know I will pay for that but it was sooo worth it. Have the best Valentines Day on the planet darling. You blatantly deserve it. Ciao, oodles and toodle pip, Calypso

Q. Darling Calypso, you are right this world is a mad parallel universe. Thanks for the advise you gave me about fencing and boys. I plan to read all of the books you write. What I meant by like you now-a-days is your personality in the third book. I played All-Stars travel Softball over the summer and my team went to states, all the different age divisions in my league travel teams ranked 1st place in the district tournament, actually all the teams in my league went to states because of districts. So I kinda know how you felt going to Nationals. I hope you and Freddie work things out and get back together, you two are perfect for one another. Send my to Star, Indie, Portia, Tobias, Georgina, Clemmie, Arabella, Dorothy Parker, Hilda, and Brian for me. PS. Who is this new boy I heard about?xxxNichole.

A. Darling Nichole, You are an all star darling. I am awed by your softball heroism! Congratulations from all of us here at Saint Augustines on your achievements. This new boy you here about is a God Boy – and frightfully fit and different to any boy I have ever known – if a bit mad. By the way, Star is cock-a-hoop that you thought to mention Hilda and Brian – she says you are blatantly the coolest fan and a ledge in her eyes! Oodles from all the gang here, Calypso et al

Q. Dear Calypso, I cant wait to read your next book! But anyway, I was wondering- what do Freddies parents think of you? I mean you are a bit of a handful but I dont mean that in a bad way because Im just like you. Another question I had was what is your favorite food, color, and animal (I know its not dogs!)? Also, does Star like her name or does she wish she had a different name? How is Georgina and everyone? Just so you know, I love your books so much I re-read them like once a month. My family and friends think its weird but I LOVE these books so much! They are my favorite books and probably always will be. Since I read your books, I now want to go to Boarding School in England- I dont know why. You know how Freddie is a Prince (well DUH!) Im an Indian Princess! Isnt that soooo cool? But I dont get a castle or anything cool like that but its sill awesome! I have a tip for your hair- for the fluffy bits that stick up in the front- use soft headbands or hard ones and that keeps ! them down. Well… bye! Your American Friend, Lizzee (Yes, that IS how you spell my name.)

A. Darling Lizzee, I cant wait for you to read my next book either! Freds parents think I am flighty and jumpy. Well, you try staying in a scottish castle with the K & Q of England after your parents have dropped you off and tongue kissed themselves senseless in front of all! Ad to that nippy labradors, a drunk gran and everyone going off on shoots. How was I to know they meant clay pigeon shoots. And how was I to know the royals consider wellington boots chic? My favourite colour is green, my favourite food is erm…jelly babies and sushi (not together). Star doesn\’t think about her name, its just there, like her father stoned on the kitchen floor – you get used to these things apparently. I hate my name though. It is sooo blatantly brilliant being an Indian Princess, how cool. Shame the title doesnt come with a castle though. Oodles, Calypso PS: tar for the fluffy hair tips but headbands are banned at school (unless they are the same vile colour as our uniform) and de trop on the KR. I\’m using clips a la mo. Happy Valentines Day, mwah!

Q. Ok i\’ve got two problems: 1)what to get my bf for his birthday 2)I\’m sick and tired of my best friends saying bad stuff about me..they keep saying I have ugly fingers, my nose is big, my hair is short etc…I\’m just sick and tired of it, and i don\’t want to talk to them about it. What should I do to make myself feel better?

A. Darling Kiwi, I don\’t think much of these so-called best friends. What sort of toxic creature (appart from Honey) would say such mad things about their friend. Okay so, maybe you\’re nose is on the large side and you need to grow your hair – I bet they aren\’t perfect either. What really gets to me is how anyone can be so pathetic that they\’re reduced to insulting your fingers? They sound like a poisonous unintelligent lot. If you really want to make yourself feel better, re-evaluate your choice in friends. Tobias has already declared that he can\’t bear them. You are blatantly far too magnifique for them. It doesn\’t require a special talent to be cruel to someone else so they can\’t be that special. I think you\’re a ledge. Immerse yourself in books and keep your eye out for more amusing company. Oodles, Calypso PS: get your boyfriend something he doesn\’t need for his birthday. Something he wouldn\’t buy himself. Something his mates and family wouldn\’t get him. Something surprisingly different. Boys love that. I got Freds a large map of LA with my house ringed.

Q. Oh darling Calypso, your soul mate is in desperate need of gurly comfort- consisting of major retail therapy, chocolate, jelly babies and a soppy chik flik!!! me and mi darling freddie-like boyfriend have split up!! It was my call and the fault of both of us but now we are apart and i am some what happier he is begging me 2 return to him!! i have never in my life had soo many texts!! hes a very nice boy and although dumped has his heart set on winning me back and thinks I am considering it!!! i have no regrets about my decision but how do I let him down lightly!! I am asking for the help of a true friend darling !! even more desperate kiss than my last letter !! x jessi x

A. Darling Jessi, My soul mate type friend. You are such a sweetie. I am soooo worshipfully proud of you! Not, only do you know your own mind but you have a kind heart. Dumping boys is merde but when you know it is the right thing to do you really have to stick to your convictions otherwise you only end up deeper in the merde. I know its a rubbish thing to say but I think you\’ll have to send him a maddie Valentines Card or txt saying something awful like, LETS STAY MATES. Grim I know, but there really isn\’t a nice way to dump someone, just better and worse ways. Like dumping someone by email or txt, that is the lowest. And I know you wouldn\’t do that darling. Distract yourself with your mates and trips to the KR for tea and sympathy. You know you have done the right thing so just put it from your mind. your Freds type ex will eventually move on too, bless him. Here\’s wishing you, oodles of all things nice; jelly babies, oreos and love with chocolate chips on top, Calypso x

Q. Dear Calypso, I absolutely adore The Calypso Chronicles! I have only read the first one, but Im working on the second one now. Whenever I read them, I get so jealous of you! You are so lucky! You are tall and skinny with blonde hair. I wish I was tall and had blonde hair. *makes sad face* You seem stunning! No wonder TWO guys like you! I have always wanted to live in the UK, or at least go to a boarding school there, like you do. It seems like so much fun, and you learn WAY more than I do in my school. I have always wanted to learn how to talk like the teens in the UK, too. Can you teach me? Haha. Maybe if I went to a school in the UK like you, the accent would rub off on me, like it does you. Its too late now to go to a boarding school though. Im in tenth grade. I dont have too much schooling left. Ugh. Not fair! Valentines Day is coming up. I dont have anything against it really because guys dont seem to like me. I havent had a boyfriend (or even a friend thats a guy for that matter!) and Im 15, almost 16 years old!! You should feel lucky that guys like you, but anyways, Happy Valentines Day! I heard about the film that might be made, and I think that would be so awesome! I wish I could be in it because I have always secretly wanted to be an actress, but Im quite shy. I dont have an English accent either. I wish I had one. *makes sad face* Indie, Star, Georgina, and Portia all seem really cool. Im so jealous of ALL of you. You all are so gorgeous and smart and everything of a role model! Can you lovelies give me some tips and teach me your ways? Hmm…maybe you should make a book of tips or something? Well, I think this letter is getting a bit long, so Ill wrap it up. Please say hi to everyone for me (including Tobias!). Thanks. xoxo, Chelsea P.S. I love your name! I wish my name was original and unique. You are totally living my dream life!

A. Darling Chelsea, I am soooo frightfully flattered by all the compliments (though ps: I still totally hate my name!). Everyone here says HI! But darling, why are you saying such bonkers things about yourself? All my matage agree. You are clearly tres fabulesque because, a) you read my books and b) Tobias said so and as you know he is a bear of distinguished demeanour, taste and style. He couldnt bear the things you said against yourself and insists that these boys you meet are blatantly mad, blind and not worth the trouble. One day you will visit London and join the KR massive and fit boys will fall over themselves to pull you. Until that day comes, keep reading and writing and being extraordinary. Georgina totally loved your idea of writing a tip book and wants to get started straight away (before Honey wades in with her toxic toff tips). Oodles, Calypso et al.

Q. Honey, I was re-reading Stealing Princes, and I saw the part where Calypso said to you, Village, pleb, shag. Please tell me you didnt actually shag a pleb! If you did, Im sure you have a perfectly good reason, and I really need to know it. Soz darling, but you know the rules. No title, no shag. Lady A

A. Lady A! Firstly, let me make something crystal clear, I make the rules and I dont do kiss and tells. But, fine! Take the word of an American Freak Peasant over that of lovely, lovely moi. Im soooo over this moment anyway darling. I need a fag. If you are a superior being by all means direct me to your mention in Debrettes or even that pleb bible, the Almanach De Gotha for that matter. I may not be able to trace my family back to the Normans, but I can trace my fame back to my baptism which was attended by the Queen and featured in Tatler. I think that says it all. Bon chance peasants everywhere, do stay in your cages darlings, Hon. Honey OHare.

Q. Hey, Calypso! First of all, may I say: jadore your lovely, lovely, books! I cant stop reading them, and have devoured all three volumes at least five times each! Then I suppose I must add that all of your Britishisms have slipped into my vocabulary. My friends were at first rather confused when I spoke of how someone had acted chavvie, but afterwards thought it was madly cool. They are all now certified Britishism speakers themselves! Also, if you DO have a movie, darling, please let that amazing rumor about auditions be true! I am an aspiring actress and have been involved in several plays, but to be in the film version of your life would be a dream come true! Finally, good luck at all your fencing competitions (Im considering taking it up, thanks to you by the way! Although that could be difficult with figure skating, which I do now. This is rather random but my coach has informed me Im very close to landing an axel, which is the most difficult jump! Im very excited about that, because Ive only been doing the axel prep- where you attempt/learn it -for two months, and it usually takes a year to learn), and to Portia as well. Tell Star and Indie they are madly fabulous, and that on the quiz I was told Im like Star! Also, please tell Georgina, Arabella, and Clemmie they are excellent as well. I particularly have grown fond of Tobias. Oh, and break the news to Honey that no way is she any stunning It Girl! If you could inform her to take it from someone who knows, she tries much too hard. 😛 And Calypso, you are stunning! Do not forget that! I cant wait for your next term at St. Augustine!! Love, Sara P.S. Are there going to be any more new girls at St. Augustines? If so, what will they be like?

A. Darling Sara, I am emailing this from double latin. I love wireless broadband. It really takes the yawn out of class. You sooo definitely may say you Jadore my books, mon amie but I think stunning might be pushing it – especially after my freakish growth spurt over Christmas. I look like a bean pole in a wig. I am hoping for a je t adore or two from a certain boy on Feb 14! Although as the Queen of Doomsday Prophesies, I am convinced he is at one with Star that its all a load of rubbish. As for your hope to audition for the movie you absolutely simply MUST! But only if you have a go at fencing darling. With your worshipful prowess on the ice and your fearfully impressive talent for these axel thingamees, you definitely have the poise and balance required. Ive only been ice skating once – Tobias had to support both Georgina and me while Indie and Star leapt about like professionals, which was tres envy making. As far as breaking it to Honey that she is no way a stunning IT Girl, I think I shall leave that to a braver soul as shes in the merde proper this time. She was sprung smoking up in Pullers Wood yesterday evening by Sister Constance – who was waiting for her in the branches of a tree. Can you imagine being dive bombed by a nun in full habit while youre lighting up? Honey went bonkers, which gave us all great joy. I swear, I thought her collagen cheek implants were going to burst. Of course law suits are in the pipe line and Daddy is apoplectic with fury. Oh how we laughed. I love the simple pleasures the week before half term when even the teachers are too sick of it all to hand out blues. 7 days till Valentines Day. oodles and toodles, Calypso xx PS: Tobias sends xxxx-es. Star, Indie et al say Salve (latin for hail – yes we are very, very bored – hail to broadband wireless I say. It has really taken the yawn out of latin)! PPS: I am under strict orders to stop giving away clues to Dumping Princes but look out for Jenny – another nemesis to rival Honey.

Q. i need help fast. i wrote u an letter about my ex boyfriend problems. u said i had more drama in my life than you. with my parental signing contracts and other thing. well here the question i am going to see my ex. now this is confusing we had be broken up cause of our mostly mine parental when we got in trouble. but now i am going to see him before v-day and i kind of hate it cause i think he still into me but i am not. i have grown change inside and out. i not fully changed though cause i got my friend and my sister coming with me SO i will not fall under the influence. do u think i am making the right choice ? bre

A. Darling Bre, Oh my giddy aunt, what a conundrum. It seems there is a mad dumping craze sweeping the world and we girls are gripped by guilt fever which is sooo not fair. Darling, you know how you feel about him and you were blatantly right to end the whole saga. I kind of think you are making it harder on yourself by seeing him again but it is tres, tres excellent news that your mates will be with you for moral support. Its time to move on and meet new boys. Time for him to accept that things have changed. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Honey, Your my fav. in the Calypso Chronicles, and I was wondering if your ever going to get a title in any of the books? Soz about all these questions, but what does it take to be a It Girl? -Lady A-

A. Dear Lady A, Of course I am your favourite, everyone adores me – Calypso is dangerously obsessed with me. You are clearly a girl of taste and breeding even though you are oblivious to my title. If you ever read Bystander in Tatler you would realise that I am the daughter of peer of the realm which makes me Honourable and if my madre succeeds in marrying this new Duke chap shes after, I will be a Lady, though I must say I think she needs a little more face work before she can feel absolutely safe. Also she has to divorce the last husband who became a bit clingy and tragic. To be an IT Girl you need to be appear regularly in the Bystander pages of Tatler, avoid being papped by the Chav Press (carry mace). Naturally you will require, Mummys contacts, Daddys Plastic and the right address in Belgravia, Knightsbridge or Mayfair (parts of Chelsea can be acceptable in an emergency situation). ta ta for now, The Honourable Honey OHare.

Q. (I guessed this was for Honey so I passed it on, soz, Calypso x) Why r you so mean to calypso in the book and what did she ever do to you? Anon

A. Dear Peasants ALL! I am soooo not mean to Calypso and if anyone suggests otherwise, I will have Daddy sue you senseless. I am widely known for my wanton acts of spectacular kindness. Calypso is one of my closest friends even though she is American, chavie, odd, freakishly tall and threw up in my Fendi baguette which ended up in the Thames. She is nothing without me! ta ta for now peasants, The Hon. Honey OHare.

Q. Alright, I know this really isn\’t my business, but why do you seem so against foil? It\’s so exciting to finally read a book about fencing, yours are the only ones I\’ve read with a female lead. (and believe me, I\’ve been on the lookout for a long time) All the girls at my fencing club are eager to read them…… And just out of curiosity, what ranking is Calypso? Sahara

A. Darling Sahara, I totally loved my years on the piste learning the poise and finesse of foil! The thing is I think I\’m more got more va va voom than poise and finesse which makes sabre the perfect weapon for me. Epee, a classic was a bit slow and painful (as in ouch) for me. I much preferred foil actually. But when Prof. Sullivan gave us our first sabre lesson it was an epiphany. Here was a weapon with the cut and thrust I had longed for. Also, I think it helped that my first sabre match was against Honey. Needless to say, I have never enjoyed rinsing anyone quite as much before or since – expect maybe Jenny in the Nationals (Duelling Princes) where I was ranked number very highly (can\’t give number) in the under 16s and invited to join the National team. I can\’t tell you what happens in Italy on my first International match because it\’s all in Dumping Princes. Anyway Honey never allowed me to repeat the pleasure of rinsing her on the piste again declaring sabre \”too thugish.\” Oodles, Calypso x

Q. Calypso- Im writing in for the competition again, since I just noticed that I forgot to add my name (its Rachel, by the way). And doing this is kind of therapeutic-like a chance to indulge my inner book nerd, since books arent exactly the most common convo. topic at school. Ive got to say I love your books. Not surprising, since I read the first one at Midnight Magic the night Harry Potter 6 came out. I didnt get to buy it, though- couldnt get anything in the lines but copies of HP. But my parents picked up Pulling and Stealing Princes for me two days later (I had to keep respelling the wonderful wonderful authors name- the people at Borders kept searching for Tyne OConnell)I wish Freds doesnt have to dump you in the fourth book- just when I was finally starting to like him! Still, Ill reserve judgement on how much I hate him until I actually get to read the book. I cant wait to hear about your first international fencing match and, mor e importantly, your hot new toy. Im sorry, boy. Would love to hear more about Malcolm, too. Now, onto my more pressing concerns: what should I do about classes for high school? Should I take the journalism and world history courses for electives that I want to, or should I take one of the weird techie classes that look good on transcripts? My parents are letting m choose, which kind of sucks, because now I dont know what to do. Please help, Im asking everyone. Thanks. Rachel.

A. Darling Rachel, I love it that you have a name. Now I really believe in you. Its so cool you read Pulling Princes at Harry Potter 6 because I know loads of extras who will be in the film! I definately think you should take the subjects you enjoy most but then I can talk because Im doing the all sorts of mad things like Latin just because I know its an easy A on my UCAS form – and my mad quest to get into a good university doesnt stop there. As well as my fencing and my work on the school magazine (colleges love extra carrics) I do all sorts of random things to prove I am the creme de la creme of applicants. Like, last weekend as part of the Duke of Edinburgh Award our group went camping in the school hall (there was snow on the ground outside and Honey threatened legal action). Colleges are fearsomely keen to know you can camp apparently. Now, I ask you Rachel, why should the ability to hall camp make me a better candidate for English Lit? The fact is darling, we live in mad mad times! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Oh my gosh Darrrrling,like being over here in grand old England i hav the misfortune of having to wait longer to read your must-have simply fabulous books. BUT i have a plan i have already ordered and received dueling prices frm america using the totally brilliant amazon. plz darling could you tell me wen u dumping princes is out so i pre-order it,i jst cnt w8 2 read it,how can freds dump our poor calypso,hw dare he.i must know what happens.plz tel me. Hope 2 hear frm u soon sofia xx

A. Sofia Darling, You are a wise and cunning girl – like wise old Odysseus, only young and stunning and alive. I believe that Dumping is out in the fall (Americans for Autumn). I am trying to open the cover sketches but BloomsburyUSA cunningly sent the picture in a clever format which I am not wise enough to be open. I promise on Honeys life that I will announce the date to all my fans as soon as I have it. Yes, Freds does land me in the merde which is tres, tres, ungentlemanly, especially for an Eades Boy (let alone heir to the wretched throne). But I have a lot to be hopeful about this Valentines Day. Hope you do too…..Oodles, Calypso xx

Q. adore the calypso chronicles ever since my friend lent me one . I know the fourth book is coming out but could you please tell me if there is going to be a fifth book. I cant wait till I get the fourth book Thanks HB

A. Darling Hannah, Merci becoups and for your kind words. I will keep writing about my mad life at St Augs until my publishers say, Stop Writing About Your Bonkeresque Life! I will say that Freds and his father King Kong (thats what Star calls him) are doing a tour of the USA during the Easter break, so if that isnt cause for Book V I dont know what is! Oodles, Calypso

Q. I adore the calypso chronicles ever since my friend lent me one . I know the fourth book is coming out but could you please tell me if there is going to be a fifth book. I cant wait till I get the fourth book Thanks HB Darling Hannah, Unless my publishers say, \\\”For heavens sake will you stop writing those wretched Calypso Chronicles\\\” no one wants to read about your tragic teen life, I plan to write Book V, PULLING PRINCES in the USA. Oodles, Calypso x

A. Darling Hannah, Unless my publishers say, \”For heavens sake will you stop writing those wretched Calypso Chronicles\” no one wants to read about your tragic teen life, I plan to write Book V, PULLING PRINCES in the USA. Oodles, Calypso x

Q. I love the Calypso Chronicles. I rented the 1st one andloved it. You had me full of curiosity, so I bought the other 2 books. Dueling Princess left me full of suspense. Please tell me when the next book is out. You are an amazing writer!Thank you. SJY

A. Darling SJY, Because you have asked so sweetly I shall reveal the Dumping Princes clues: So, it starts off after Christmas when I go to stay in Kiltland at one of Freds family castles. Its all sooo fabulesque. I could die with love. Then I return to the madness of Saint Augs where Star et al have all decided to chuck their boyfriends in order to concentrate on their studies! Can you believe it darling? And they all think I should dump Freds! Which of course I refuse to do and then out of the bally blue, he dumps me! Yes, moi! Why? I hear you wonder across cyber space. The answer: his wretched studies. What happened to the proverb, teens cannot live on latin verbs, Tom Harvey and hard sums alone? Anyway, everyone goes maddity mad with the outrage of it all because it turns out No St A Girl HAS EVER BEEN DUMPED! EVER! And the law states that I must perform the Counter Dump strategy – which is an ancient Saint Augustines trad dating back centuries where I have to re-pull him and dump him. But with my first international fencing competition coming up in Italy, and a captivating new boy (who seems able to do his study and shower me with attention) on the scene, the question is, can I pull it together and win Fred\\\’s back? And even if I do, will I have the heart to perform the counter dump manoeuvre on him? I know they say that all is fair in love and war darling, but just trust me, it\\\’s different when your in love with a prince. It\\\’s available in the autumn/fall this year. Oodles, Calypso

Q. I know everyone says this but, i truly mean it, i think the books are excellent, i was wondering if there is actually going to be a film cos if there is i think it would be a huge success. I would luv to audition for it. luv the books! xxx Sarah P.S. please show my letter on ur fabulous website

A. Darling Sarah, Never stop praising me Sarah, never. I thrive on compliments like rabbits thrive on lettuce and electric cabling – it\’s Bob\’s own stupid fault if he leaves his laptop cable lying about within rabbit reach. She was only polishing her teeth. I believe the film will be a huge success too, especially if Malcolm from Eades can be in charge of the sound track. TAKE NOTE FILM PEOPLE. And you darling, shall absolutely, definitely, audition. oodles, Calypso

Q. dear calypso!! after reading stealing i cudnt help but c the similarities between us!! i like you aam your average blonde divvy teen and love attention from boys even though i have a very prince freddie like boyfriend!! i also get very jealous when he seems to like other girls and tend to give him the silent treatment but (as per usual) it was all in my head!!! I wish my life was slightly more glamorous; St augustines sounds great fun and the eades boys are to die for !!! flirt-texting is scarce at the moment so youll have to fill me in on the gossip in stead !!!! big kissess (to you and fred) xJesix

A. Darling Jesix, You are a true soul mate! I cant believe there is another Freds out there as fit as mine, but it cheers me up knowing there is a parallel universe out there after all. Although you have a talent I dont have – the ability to give, The Silent Treatment! Scarily powerful weapon there darling, respect. I agree that it would be tres lovely never to feel jealous, but I would go spare if Freds didnt get all manly and jealous if he found me..oh, I dont know, in a compromising situation with another boy (that looked bad but wasnt really). So I guess its only fair that it works both ways. Have a fabuleque Vals With Bells Day darling, Oodles, toodles and pip pip to your Freds, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, Im totally crushing on this guy but he said hed never go out with me. Should I totally pursue him (Because hes super, ultra, awesomely, very, very, very, very fit!!!!!)Or should I totally make myself even prettier and make him realize what hes missing or do that except not care what he thinks? Thanks, Khira.

A. Darling Khira, If hes said hed NEVER go out with you, I think its time to walk away with your dignity. Actually walk and dont look back. People say honesty can be refreshing but it can also be bloody upsetting if you ask me. Im not sure what you mean by making yourself even prettier? Boys go for the natural look – you know, tub of lip gloss lashings of mascara sort of thing. But darling, you should definitely not care what he thinks! Quelle horreur – if boys start thinking we actually care what they think, wed never have any fun! Write Mr Never name on a piece of paper and stick it in the freezer and focus your attentions on something or someone who makes you laugh rather than self question. Oodles, toodles and Valentines Day Bliss, Calypso xx

Q. Dearest Calypso: It was the week of school break when I received Pulling Princes from mi madre. Usually, my mother has dreadful taste in books, so I gave it the once over and brushed it aside. But then an angel came to me in the form of my best friend, Katie. (Ohkay, so I might be embellishing this story a bit – but hey, where would this world be if Shakespeare hadnt embellished his books, showering them with words like thou etc? Probably less confused, as most of this generation has not a clue what he was rambling on about, but whatever. Thats beside the point.) As I was saying before I quite rudely interrupted myself, an angel came to me and told me to read PP. Or Katie demanded I read it and pass it onto her afterwards, as shes madly obsessed with anything having to do with princes (its not healthy, if you ask me. You should hear her ramble on and on about them and how shes saving herself for a prince. Its enough to make even the best listener go ballistic.), rather. So, being the obedient gal that I invariably am, I read the book and was hooked on every captivating word and plot twist that the book contained. I then went out and bought (actaully, I ordered Stealing Princes, as the local Barnes and Noble didnt have it in stock. I nearly went insane without my fill of Calypso for five straight days, but alas, I made it.) SP, and read it in one night. Then I picked up DP, and read it in one afternoon. Who knew that I could be absolutely hooked on a series of books? So, in short, I just wanted to say thanks, for teaching me two important things: 1. Never underestimate princes/princesses, people you thought to be bitches but turned out to be ever so sweet, and boarding school life.. And 2. Sometimes people you thought to be bitches dont change, so you must steer clear of them or youll end up having to show up at a dance in a dress two sizes too big and pinned up with a safety pin. Also, whats this I hear about a film, eh? Although it would be phenomenal to audition for it, my acting is sadly dreadful. Though I would settle for being an extra, because all you have to do is stand there, look pretty, and occasionally smile. Cant be too hard, can it? Looking forward to Dumping Princes. Though I hope, judging from the title, that you dont mean dumping Freddie, do you? Oh, Katie would be absolutely crushed. Thanks for listening, Cameron

A. Darling Cameron, OMGA (Oh My Giddy Aunt) I am soooo loving this royal-obsessed Katie Creature – almost as much as your brilliant self darling. I am sure that you will be an extra in the film, absolutely, although you may be jostled in crowd scenes at balls, or asked to dance madly at Capital VIP parties and socials. Now as to this feverish curiousity that everyone including vous has about DUMPING PRINCES, Tobias insists that I say: No comment (whatever that means). But given he\\\’s been on media training courses and I haven\\\’t, I\\\’m going to trust him on this. So sadly, you\\\’ll have to gnaw your nails to discover the outcome, but the finale isn\\\’t until book V! In the meantime I am so proud that the bonkerequeness of my life has been instructive to someone with as much sohistication and elan as you, Cameron! Oodles, toodles and happy Vals with Bells On Day, Calypso x

Q. Hi, I just finished readin Dueling Princes and it was incredible. I read it in a day. My favourite parts were the bit when Indie calls Honey and illiterate chav, the bit about the tragic Pizza Express Pheasantry on the KR and the fencing hymn that Sarah and Nun sing. Also, i love Malcolm, hes really cool. Thought you might like some fan mail. Oodles, Your Number One Fan, Helena xoxoxoxo

A. Darling Number One Fan Helena, You are my heroine! Reading Duelling in a day? I bow at The Alter of Helena! Appreciating the fencing hymn that Sarah and Sister Regina sing you are sooo going to love the Eades rap album that Malcolm produced during the Summer Break. Star and Indie are playing it incessantly and insist on it being the soundtrack to the film. Malcolm is a rather splendid hero and you will see much more of him in Dumping Princes. He is a hero for our times you might say – well thats what Freds says anyway. Oodles, toodles and Valentines Noodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I wish i were just like you,fabulously slim and pretty and with no trouble at all with guys.i find myself constantly stuck in delusion,fantasizing about the next boy that passes by.i\’m deliberately upset over this,because theres this one boy at school,whose awesomely fit,but i doubt he\’d pay any attention at all to such dull caracther such as, myself.i wish i could catch his eye.i never did make anybody in the opposite gender like me LIKE ME.i want so much to make him pay atleast some attention to me before valentines.i guess whats meant to be is whats meant to be.i bet plenty of girls out there face problems like this,but they get over it.i hope i can too.but one thing is though,calypso..how can you keep so slim and stunning all at the same time?i wish i had the answer to that.i wish i could be just like you,just like the rose out of the thorns.i\’ve tried to better myself,but i just don\’t know how.please calypso,give me some advice. Happy valentines day in advance to every girl out there who spends valentines day alone or with someone they treasure. XXX love:shermin.

A. Darling Shermin, You\’re suggestion that I\’m this – slim gorgeous model-type girl who only has to click her fingers to make boys run – rather that a freakishly tall blondish girl who\’s hair lives to humiliate me and according to Star I exist in a dismal state of sweaty-palmed panic about boys who aren\’t worth the trouble, just made me faint in double latin, which has put me in the double merde (because between vous and moi, I think the teachers have cottoned onto my fainting ruse). I just got this lecture about how my ploy only serves to erode trust. whatever that means – maybe it\’s latin for: we\’re on to you young lady. Now onto your bonkeresque idea that But merci beaucoup for the compliment darling. At least now I know that I am not the ony one who obsesses about boys and checks my mobile every ten minutes to see if Freds has txt-ed. I keep thinking that eventually he\’ll realise that he\’s been drugged and dump me faster than you can txt you are dumped. Sometimes I\’m not even sure if I don\’t want to pull other boys (thank god boys don\’t read this Q&A or I would sooo be in for it.) As for Valentines Day, Eades boys all take the mickey out of it – so do we, but the difference is we secretly really,really, really care. This year it will be half term break so I won\’t be able to distract myself with a midnight feast in the dorm so to that end I am running my Valentines Day Competition so why don\’t you distract yourself and enter. Also start taking the piss out of boys with your matage who probably feel just as dismal as you despite what you think. Afterall you thought I was a boy-trouble free zone remember. If all else fails do as I do and faint, what do teachers know anyway! Oodles, toodles and pip pip. Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I just finished Dueling Princes on Friday and just like the other ones it was fantastic. How could I possibly pick a favorite character I love them all. Im supposed to be studying for my French and Theater Arts finals right now. But everything keeps going in one ear and out the other. Well see how I end up doing on them. I hope your publishers never tell you to stop that would be sooooooooooooooooooooooo mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Haley

A. Darling Haley, Never, never stop saying such magnifique things about my books! I absolutely adore praise, almost as much as pulling boys which ,makes me come over all ool-la-la-di-da! I promise I shall never stop writing these books until my publishers say STOP you are driving us bonkers. Who cares about you and your trivial lipgloss/boys issues. I hope they dont say that though. You, darling, and I speak from my poetic heart, are so fabulesque and of course you shall go to the ball. I mean auditions. What book are you up to and who is your fabouritesque character? Oh and by the way make sure you and your mate-age (once more pronounced like mirage) enter the comps! Oodles, toodles and pippity pip! Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I fully agree with you about the issue of boys being completely oblivious about this romantic holiday. Heaven forbid one them send you a romantic txt or gasp………..flowers!!!!! Seriously I live for the day my boyfriend remembers Feb. 14th. But I must give credit where it is deserved sometimes they really can come through for you but then again I wouldnt hold my breath. I sincerely hope when this ominous day comes that your Freds remembers…lol. I am sure he will,you and him are a sweet couple . Despite all those wretched things Honey says ! I hope you have fab time. Has Freds said anything about it?? Please tell all!! Right now at school gossip is scarce so I will take anything I can get ! Ciao, Elizabeth

A. Darling Elizabeth, Fingers crossed on the Valentines Day issue vis-a-vis Freds (and any other random fit boys who might care to send ANON cards declaring their love -as unrequited as it may be- for me). But if boykind fails me, I have a back up plan with Star. Its half term and Im staying with her so if the boys dont come through with gifts and wonderful parties we plan to spend the night baiting stoned rock stars with the delicious recipes from the midnight feast section of the site. Though between you and moi, I am harbouring great expectations for Freds. Oodles and toodles, Calypso. PS: I have just arrived back from hols and Honey has the most enormous spot on her nose. As a generous kind spirited girl, I know it is cruel to mock, but oh, I long to!

Q. Hi i have finished all three of your books and i love them and read them over and over again i was just wondering when your fourth book will come out in the U.S i\’m so anxious. Love ya, *Jenny*xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A. Darling Jenny, I think Dumping Princes is by far the most exciting in the series with feverishly nail-biting twists, including a trip to Florence with fit boys by the villa-laod and fiendish Honey plots that will shock her most ardent Calypso fans – if fan is the right word. You will have to wait until early fall to read all the action. Toodles and oodles, Calypso

Q. heya dollinks Luv your fabby-dabby book. St augustines sounds uber cool .Soooo going to spend daddys plastic on it when duelling princes comes out so i can get it for all my fabby friends! Im so glad we dont have anyone like honey in our school though we do have complete and utter slappers.Anyway g2g and spend daddys plastic luv ya all xoxo

A. Darling Ursula, Danke, Merci, grazie and tar dollinks! You are awesomely savvy and fabulesque using daddy\\\’s plastic to buy Duelling Princes for all your friends. Let me know if you enter the publisher\\\’s competition so I can have the nuns say a little prayer for you. At the moment they are busy saying a novena of the rosary so they win money in the big New Years card game against the monks at a nearby abby. Bless them. How worshipful for you darling, breathing Honey free air. As you will soon read, the atmosphere in Duelling is especially toxic with Honey\\\’s evil vapours! Oodles, toodles and pippity pip, Calypso et al

Q. Dear Calypso, do you know when Duelling Princes and Dumping Princes will come out in Australia? Cos they are just the best books in the entire universe and they should definitely be made into a movie or even better, several movies. Pulling Princes and Stealing Princes were on my Christmas list too. Anyway, will we see more of Indie in your next books? Will you two get to be in the same dorm (hopefully not with that faker Honey) xxx Krystal PS can you pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease pretty please with a jelly baby on top post this on your fabbo website <(*^_^*)>

A. Krystal Darling, You are an angel to say such divine things about my books and as you have said please with a jelly baby on top I would be an evil hard hearted Honeyesque maniac if I refused your request to post your letter on the site! It\\\’s sooo fearsomely awesome to get email from readers abroad and I think of your reading my books in the sun while I am about to shiver my way off to the KR! Stealing Princes ended on the cliff hanger of half term so sadly I had to spend another six weeks in the company of Honey, but fear not, I do get to share with Indie in the end! We\\\’ve been begging Indie to put her character on the site so hopefully she will consent now that Georgina, Portia and Tobias posted their sketches. I\\\’m not sure when Duelling or Dumping comes out in Australia but it should be around the same time as the UK I guess? Oodles, toodles and pippity pip, Calypso

Q. Hi! I really lurrve the books! It really captures the kind of life all girls expect life in an expensive boarding school should be. lol some of the things in the books are sooo true and Ive experienced some of the incidents myself, although I have to say regrettably pulling a Prince was not one of them. I would just like to congratulate you on your hilarious and exciting books and just ask, do you think that in the near future there could possibly be a film coming out? I think that after the books get even more publicity than it has now (which I say is a lot, lol Ive been telling all my friends about your books) then I think I could easily imagine your books becoming film hits, like mean girls and princess diaries theyd be so appealing to teenagers! I first saw read your book at school, where I went to the library and they had these book award books where ,we, the children read books that have been nominated and give our opinion on how good it or they were and give it a mark A – F, naturally A being the highest; oh and I definitely gave it an A ; ) . luv Teaspoon ( lol nickname dunno how it came about) xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A. Darling Teaspoon, Totally cool nickname, unlike Boodjie – the madres nickname for moi! I am in the process of drawing up my NYs resolution list. 1) never dye hair blue again (despite what the dye company claimed, I do not call two weeks TEMPORARY)!. 2) All girls who write in to say the Calypso Chronicles should be a film, will get to audition for the film. I shall also demand that you are at the very least an extra, though I sense a star Quality in your email! I know nothing of this library book awards business thingamee! Nothing! No one tells me anything, but you darling are a savant of the highest order for giving me an A! I shall have the nuns say a special little prayer for you in chapel. Oodles, Toodles and left over noodles, Calypso.

Q. Yaar darling the mistletoe was a pull fest anyway i was wondering what clothes your into now current designer fashion or just the most expensive pieces that are soooo incredibly cool? o Yaar and darling when is your new book out?? toodles and have a great party for new year!!! au revoir x s

A. Darling S, The Mistletoe is always a full fest! I spent New Year on Star\’s estate and we made (and customised) loads of fab clothes on her sewing machine. With my meagre allowance my spending power is limited so I am destined to window lick (as the French say) at the designer stores on Sloane Street. I buy loads of stuff at Topshop and the Portobello Road and Honey\’s caste offs (last season\’s designer samples) have come in handy. Then of course there are the girls in the years above who flog us their clothes. But after our New Year sewing sesh, Star and I are thinking of developing our own label actually – we\’re just arguing over the fine details, like the name. I want TIARA PUNK, while Star\’s insisting we call ourselves, VIOLENTLY BRILLIANT. Georgina suggested we settle on CALYPSO STAR, which is cool but she\’s also demanding we use Tobias as the logo. It\’s all too tres, tres, hair-pullingly maddening! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Heya I know you probably hear this all the time but your books really are great. As soon as iv finished them i start them all over again. I read so much i even feel myself using a few of the phrases such as \’Yaah\’, \’Fab\’, \’Darling\’ and \’Tragic\’. It would be such a treat if your books were transformed into films. I would simply love to audition for them, even if i didn\’t get through the experience would be incredible. I know i would buy all the films on DVD if they did ever come out. I hope to hear from you soon. Thankyou for reading my email Sofia Bernola

A. Sofia Darling, In the words of someone startlingly fabulous (although it could have been Honey) One can never have too much praise! You are sooo right though, it would be incroyable if Saint Augustine\’s went down in celluloid history and too tres, tres, tragic for words if you didn\’t audition darling! But of course you shall audition! As promised, all girls who write in to Ask Calypso, will be invited to audition. Oodles, Bon chance and a bientot, Calypso.

Q. Hey Calypso i have just read the second book Stealing Princes and it is so blatantly good, I go to an all girls boarding school in Oxford and it is so weird how they are all the same, you have totally captured the boarding school life, I love your books. I wish you would publish more than three books they are fabulous! I have so much fun in my dorm, when i go back after Christmas i am going to tell them all about the second book. Have a fab new year… Who did you base your characters on, i would love to know? I was wondering weather St Augustine School actually exists because in the second book you mention Harrow, Cheltenham etc… but i havent heard of St Augustines and is Eades just taking the micky of Eton? Sorry that was a hell of a lot of questions, It would be quite cool if you did make the books into a film, I love acting so I would love to audition if it did happen….. The Characters act so much like the 5th form girls at my schools with boys… may I point out Harrow boys are so fit and you should have them staring in your 3rd book. Cant wait till the third book comes out.. When does it come out???? Does lip gloss really put of boys, it hasnt given me problems in the past..Lets hop it doesnt in the future! Lots of Love Hannah xxxx

A. Darling Hannah, You are truly magnifique, simpatico, incroyable and a savant, thats all I have to say on the matter, apart from, do you go to Headington by any chance? Oh My Giddy Aunt! of course lip-gloss doesnt put boys off! I fainted when I read that, and had to be revived by Stars rat, Hilda. Quelle Horreur, what a maddity mad thought. No, its just that sometimes I wear so much lipgoss, I cant get my lips to kiss properly. Boys seem fearsomely captivated by lashings of lip-gloss and heavily applied mascara – or as they call it, the natural look. As youve been such ledge darling; saying all those fabulesque things about my second book, I shall expose myself and fess up, yes, Eades is a urine extraction of Eton. Soz but I cant reveal the true inspiration for Saint Augustines darling or the Head Mistress will bury me in blues. But if you read the Tatlers School guide there are clues galore. I do know a few fit Harrovians and if there is a fifth book, I shall create a part for a Harrow Hero, in your honour. So far there are four books in the series, Duelling Princes comes out in April but if you want more, make sure all your friends enter the competition in the back Stealing book because then my darling publishers will love me, send me musical Christmas Cards, and commission more books, and then there will be a fantistico film made and you shall audition Hannah along with everyone else who writes to Ask Calypso. I will spend New Year on Stars estate quad biking and trying to escape stoned rock stars. Make a resolution for me, darling, Oodles, toodles, Calypso.

Q. dear calypso, i found out yesterday that my boyfriend is two-timing me, i left him a nasty message but i cant think of a good way to get back at him. please help. love your friends in ascot x x x p.s. were your biggest fans!!!!

A. Darling Friends in Ascot, Merde! Merde! And two-timing double merde with Christmas baubles on top. More girls should send nasty messages to boys like him so the message of trust, love and girlish-wonderfulness finally gets through. Boys – PAY ATTENTION NOW – You, are our play things and play things behave in nice charming amusing ways. Playthings DO NOT two-time magnifique Ascot Girls, because, like all good playthings they are too busy sending lovely worshipful txts that we can share with our fabulesque girlfriends. Oodles, Calypso. p.s. Girls of Ascot, I am your biggest fan. Go forth and party!!!

Q. Hi darling i absolutely love youre books!! Yaarh the whole or my gorgeous dorm at the cheltenham ladies college loves them and it is quite true some people here are quite plebby. anyway toodles got to go to a ball!!Capital VIP ttfn!! x s

A. Darling S, Merci beaucoup, dankeshon and grazie for loving my books. I am in no doubt that you will use the force of your magnifique personality to turn the tide against the wretched plebeian hordes! I shall big up Cheltenham Ladies in my next book just for you. Hope the Mistletoe Ball was a pull-fest extrodinaire, and if not, at least tres tres amusing. Oodles, toodles and ttfn, Calypso

Q. Dear calypso, I am shermin from all the way across the world in singapore, and i am going on 13. I love your books alot, and believe me, i have heard alot of girls saying that they are your number one fans, but i AM your number ONE fan!! I have only read pulling princes (paperback) which i borrowed from the library, and i cant wait to get hold of stealing princes and dueling princes.*sighs* but i can never get them, because they cannot be found ANYWHERE in singapore!!!i have tried all means and ways to get them, i even asked my cousin who is studying in london to get them for me.I AM DESPERATE FOR YOUR BOOKS!!!please calypso, dont keep me in suspense, i hope they will sell your books in singapore..*sighs*..so anyway enough with the boohoos! i gotta question to ask you calypso. How is it like in boarding school?apart from the yucky food that is…Ohh yucks darlink!!trust me, i so totally sympathize with you on that! ohh and yeah, p.s. can you please PLEASE post this on your website, Ive been trying so hard to communicate with you..ohh i can just faint!!*giggles* (>^_^)>Luv You Darlink!<(^_^<) *hugs and kisses* shermin lee.

A. Darling Shermin Lee, No Calypso Chronicles in Singapore? Not even for ready money? Quelle horreur darling! You must write to your government and picket you bookstores, (or as Honey would suggest, pay someone else to do it for you)! In the meantime, I shall will write stern letters to my publisher and make fearsome demands that they start shipping books out to you tout de suite! In the meantime go to Amazon. You can\’t go on like this darling, creeping around libraries like a, well, like a librarian. Who knows what will become of you! Basically you MUST READ STEALING PRINCES AND DUELING PRINCES before madness sets in. As for what boarding school is really like, I think you should have yourself packed off to boarding school and discover for yourself, the marvels of midnight feasts, duvet wars, dorm raids and general madness. It prepares you for the rigours of the real world. Also there are always loads of girls to borrow clothes from (and someone\’s mother is always a famous model or a designer) and you can prank call boys like Daniel Radcliff at all times of the day and night (because you have a friend whose dating one of his mates). In fact, it is just as I say it is darling. Oodles, Calypso

Q. hi calypso! you rock my world! you are so cool! i love the calypso books! stealing princes is already on my christmas list! i wish my school was run by nuns! xxx Josie

A. Darling Josie, Firstly, you rock my world by having Stealing Princes on your Christmas list darling! I agree that it is tres, tres depressing living in a school sans nuns. They are they sweet, adorable little loves, saying nice little prayers for us and twittering with excitement over the prospect of a few broken biscuits and cups of tea. Nuns add a much needed je ne sais quoi and savoir-faire to the spiritual void of school life. Chapel just isnt the same without a few nuns gossiping during the boring bits. But most importantly, nuns provide light relief from fiendish lay teachers who I swear were put on this earth to suck the fun out of young minds. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, as I wandered through the cloisters of my school in Kent on a drab Wednesday morning I decided to stop by our good old Bennerz skl shop (L.A.S.S) I browsed through the ridiculosly over priced pens and folders then something shone at me from the shelf I nearly fainted!! Stealing Princes your second book had finally arrived at the gothic mansion in the weald of kent! (Benenden) I was so excited I nearly missed my chem. class! Your books are sooo AB.FAB!!! I cant wait to get stuck in. If you ever need any help for another novel youre welcome at our school anytime keep writing!! And p.s all the girls form my dorm are entering ur comp it looks tresss hott!! Well good luck with anything else your doing ur books help us get through the dreary days at all girls boarding skls, well, in between the stealing peoples duvets, the KR, fagging in the woods (ur idea of the febreeze was rather hilarious!!) Ur books are the saviour thank you!!!!!! keep writing a faithful Benedonian

A. Darling Amber Sorry to be soooo feverishly slack about respondez vousing but I have been buried under a mountain of blues for short sheeting Honeys bed. Speaking of which, have you and your posse done the quiz yet? You are tres, tres fabulesque! Keep up the duvet wars, the KR, the fainting and generally fight the good fight for girls boarding schools everywhere. All goss, news, rumours and anything else titter worthy welcome – ie: is it true they punish Bennerz girls with midnight winter lacrosse wars with villagers? Oodles, Calypso. PS: it would be tres, tres cool if a Bennerz girl won the comp.

Q. Dear Calypso, Im a bit of a plebby person because I have no relation to famous people. My freind Freds who has emailed you loads has tried to help me but as I am moving to a Wellington College and kinda need to speck poshly! I dont know how to practice because it sounds kinda wierd! Plez help and publish letter Luv Roberta

A. Darling Roberta, how dare you suggest that you are plebby! Quelle horreur! You read my books darling, ipso facto you are KR fabulesque and A-list wunderbar. As for Wellington, Saint Augustines have had a sketchy past with them ever since we went to one of their socials dressed in our jim-jamery and wellies. We all laughed so hard at our own hilarity that none of us pulled, not even Clems. As for this specking poshly biz, well…funny you should ask as I am doing a POSH SPEAK slot on the site, so stay tuned. In the meantime, just dont move your lips as you practice saying darling, yar, polo ponies, Daddys plastic, Mummys contacts and bloody Debretts. As always faint if you get stuck. Oh and do the character quiz until you come up as Honey everytime. I always say, if the tiara fits, its yours! Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I went to your website and found the Ask Calypso section. It is so cool because Ive always wanted to go to a boarding school, but mom and dad think that it is too expensive. Do you have any suggestions about how I can tell them to let me go to a boarding school? Ive wanted to go to one ever since I first started reading your books. I just absoulutely adore them! When will Dumping Princes come out in the United States? Ive also been wanting to get a new cell phone that doesnt look like a brick, (as described by you.) Can you kinda tell me what Dumping Princes is about? Ive been biting my nails everyday waiting for someone to actually ask that, but since I dont think anyone has, I decided to ask it myself. I really hope that Freddy doesnt get dumped becuase i really like him. I think you and him are perfect for each other. Please do tell, darling! My nails are pratically gone! How many books are there going to be? I hope there are tons more because I really do just love the books. I think Ive read the first and second one fifteen times each. Not sure really…but I just cant wait for the others to come out! Cornelia PS My name is unique like yours too, so your not the only one!

A. Darling Cornelia, If you ask moi, (which my parents never do) talking the rentals into doing ANYTHING at all is tres, tres frustrating because they always think they are doing whats best for you which is madder than a tangled drawer of socks. With your name darling, you belong at boarding school! Cant they see that darling? If not, point out all the money theyll save on food – then again youll end up hating me when you find out how grim the food is. Or you could explain how theyll be saving the enviroment by not transporting you to and from school on a daily basis – or to any other activity actually. If all else fails, fall on your knees, clutching your pet rabbit to your chest, wearing your best tiara and start begging them NOT to send you to boarding school because you dont want to grow up freakishly talented and popular. As for Freddy getting dumped in Dumping Princes, which comes out in the (fall) all I can reveal is that it is a LOT more complicated than that and no, it is sooooo not the end of the series (or Freds) if I have anything to say about it. Now for the scoop, the final book in the series is book V and called PULLING PRINCES IN THE USA and it is so faint-making romantesque that you will weep soggy cholate-box tears. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Its really funny because were all saying we lurve Freddy (HRH) and everyone who doesnt know what were talking about thinks were talking about moi, Freddy, my friends call me Freds and Freddy for short. Just like Prince Freddy. On the website could you add a Hon Georgina for the quizz and a Portia because then I would probably end up as Georg. instead of Honey because I am so not a totale bitch to everyone. If you were one of the characters in the book who would you be? Hugz and Kissez OODLES Freddy P.S. I have this problem: I really fancy this guy, but everytime I see him I go all shy. I dont normaly go shy on boyz. The really big problem is that he is sooooooooo fit and loads of other gilz fancy him, but how will I ever have a chance if Im all shy? Everytime I see him I feel like pulling him and then I end staring at his lips and then he sees me doing this and I go completly red. HELP Freddy (Fredericka) xo P.P.S. Please could you put this letter on your website!! I a, your biggest No1 fan, with all my friends.!. xx

A. Darling Freds, Its official, you have sent, THE LONGEST ASK CALYPSO EVER! Your prize: the LONGEST REPLY EVER!!!! First rule of pulling for girls, remember: BOYS ARE YOUR PLAYTHINGS! They know this, and you should too! So my Fabulesque Freds, you fancy a fit guy but have a red-faced lip-ogling prob. Do not fear. I have it on the best authority that boys are not too bothered about having their lips ogled (and are mostly colour blind), they just dont know what to do about it, poor lambs. The trick is, when youre dancing, casually drape your arms around his neck. He should take the hint and position his arms around your waist (if he doesnt, decide you no longer fancy him and direct attentions elsewhere). But he will! And at this point, STOP OGLING HIS LIPS and start staring encouragingly into his eyes. This will force him to ogle your lips (which will be glistening with lip-gloss) and soon the magnetic force of your charms will bring you that longed-for lip action. Now, to your second question: I have been banging on about having Georgina and Portia in the quiz to my webarama-type guy but hes soooooooo old and slow (but madly wonderful as well obviously). So stay tuned! Your dream and mine will be realised. Third question: feel proud that you are a Honey! There is a little bit of Honey in anyone worth knowing and I just KNOW you are not a total bitch, or you wouldnt love the Calypso Chronicles and you are named after HRH Prince Freddie which is soooo feverishly cool I just fainted. Next question: If I were one of the characters (which I am, because I\\\’m not clever enough to make everything up) Id like to think I was cross between Star and Portia. Star, because shes out there and doesnt give a toss and Portia because she has that poker poise which Ive spent a lifetime refining to the grandest level. I swear, and this is sooo true, I can now destroy a person with a raised eyebrow – which is a feverishly handy skill for dealing with Bond Street shop bitches believe me. Oodles, Calypso PS: Get your matage to do the quiz and write in to demand more Portia and Georgina action! Then I can send it to my maddeningly wonderful webarama guy. Mike…if youre reading this, I sooo love u and think in the word of www YOU ROCK.

Q. Dear Calypso, I am 15 years old and I am from Holland. I really fancy this guy, who I have known for 3 years. but he told me he is in love with my best friend. But my friend has a boyfriend. I cant stop my feelings for him away, but he only got eye on my friend. How should I draw his attention? Greetz, Daphne

A. OMG Daphne darling! I have one word, AAAAAGGGGHHHHH! Arent boys the most maddity mad awkward creatures? I bet if you were the one with the boyfriend this boy you fancy would be in love with you. Some boys only love what they cant have. If some boy told me he was in love with my best friend who had a perfectly good boyfriend already, Id roll my eyes until I fainted with the sheer maddity madness of it all. As far as drawing his attention, apply lashings of lipgloss, a pot of mascara (boys love the natural look) and laugh gaily at all his jokes. Apparently they also love it when you listen to them, which can be tricky if they only talk about things that make you feel like taking a nap. Some boys like it if you make them laugh, or do something really, really feverishly well, like fencing. Be your true gorgeous glorious self Daphne (by the way, love, love, love your totally cool name). If being yourself fails, wait till you find another even fitter boy to fancy – that is bound to draw his attention. Oodles and Greetz, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I have known Charlie since we were kids and we are still best mates and hang out loads together. I have gone out with two of his mates and he has gone out with my girlfriend. He even asked me for advice when he wanted to break up with her. But now I have started having those feelings for him, only I am scared if we start going out it will ruin our friendship. Jo, Indiana

A. Dear Jo, He clearly respects you enough to ask advice on dumping your mate (although its bad form for a boy to dump a girl and I hope you told him so)! and that sort of friendship cannot be wiped out by a bit of pulling. I say slap on extra lip-gloss and go for it. Oodles, Calypso.

Q. Dear Calypso, I am 14 and go to a boarding school eerily like Saint Augustine’s. I have never had trouble with my dorm mates before but this term I have been roomed with THE MOST ANNOYING girl ever. She reminds me of Honey only not as clever or funny. She just NEVER shuts up. She’s always moaning and criticising all the time. Anon (for fear of my annoying roomie reading this!)

A. Darling Anon, I suggest developing an aloof demeanour like Lady Portia Herrington Briggs. Pretend you haven’t heard whatever it is she’s criticising or moaning about (keep saying, “Oh sorry what was that?” as you lift your head from your magazine). That way she’ll have to keep repeating herself over and over until she works out that you don’t think she is important enough to listen to in the first place. This will undermine her ego without creating open warfare – which you DEFINITELY want to avoid when you are confined in close quarters with someone. Oodles, Calypso.

Question asked by Anon

Q. Dear Calypso, Theres this boy, well two really and I really like them both and cant decide who I like best but thats not the real problem. They dont even know I exist. Mike is the brother of my friend and Seth is his mate. How can I make them notice me? Cameron USA

A. Dear Cameron, In the words of my best friend Star, boys are simple creatures who love feeling needed. So as far as getting them to notice you, have you tried fainting when youre in the same room as them? Its not very mature I know but then neither are boys. As for deciding which one you like best, toss a coin – heads for Mike and tails for Seth – If you get heads and feel desolate at the result, youll know you really like Seth more which was obvious to me in the first place because he has the coolest name. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I go to public school in America (which is the opposite of Public School in Britain by the way). We don’t have a uniform and all the girls are always trying to outdo one another with cool outfits but my parents arent that rich and Im way behind in the fashion race. What should I do? Kathy, Florida

A. Darling Kathy, I want to say how feverishly lucky you are not having to wear a vile uniform like mine but tragically I know only too well the heartache of not having oodles of cool clothes like my friends. Star is big on customising her wardrobe. I swear she can turn one outfit into twenty with a snip here and a pin there. Admittedly hers is an individual look which might not be what youre after. I stick to basics and pretend I care about deeper more meaningful things like erm, the environment and world poverty (which I do actually) and accessorise with some cool shoes or see whats on offer in the local village charity shop. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I am 13 years old and have just had braces put on. The orthodontist says they have to stay on for 2 years! I look totally freakish! My parents think its fantastic and keep banging on about how telling me how pleased I’ll be once my teeth are all straight. But how am I ever going to pull a boy with a mouth full of train tracks? Octavia, Cheltenham

A. OMG, Octavia! How mortifying! Not the braces bit, because it is true that you will have nice straight teeth at the end of it all. But I can just imagine your rentals wandering about saying feverishly mad things like; “Well thats another couple of years well be keeping the boys at bay. Hah, hah, hah”. I know because thats what my father, Bob said when I had braces. But most teenagers have braces – even boys. Honey had emerald studs in hers, which made her look like she had spinach in her teeth but not even that held her back from pulling. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Which Robbie Williams song was Arabesque\’s favourite???!!! You didn\’t say, but by the nuns\’ humming, I guessed \’let me entertain you.\’ (No name offered only a funny little email name of numbers)

A. Darling Yahoosomethingorother, You clearly know a bit about nun humming. I am impressed! Arabesque\’s favourite song was indeed, Let Me Entertain You. Ooodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso what happened to Miss Cribbe and her beard? Octavia

A. Octavia Darling, Miss Cribbe is still the House Spinster at Cleathorpes though her beard I fear is much bushier. I have moved to the main building now where Miss Bibsmore rules the roost. Her beauty challenges are of a different nature. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hi, I am a big fan of the Calypso Chronicles. I was just wondering if there will be more than three books to the collection? Katie McComb

A. Katie Darling, So many more… Life is after all a saga. After Pulling Princes, come Stealing Princes and after that Dueling Princes only they are not all out yet so you will have to bite your nails. It has all been a bit of a learning curve – or is that learning dip? Either way, I have learnt a great deal. Firstly, boys are tres, tres, tricky. Which is why I am now working on Dumping Princes. Nightmare! The best thing is, I get to go to Italy with the Great British National team and brush up on my non-existant Italian. Secondly the boys are feverishly fit. One boy in particular… Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hi Calypso can I buy any Calypso stuff like badges or t-shirts and is there an official fan club? Emma Walton

A. Emma Darling, mmm now you\’ve got me thinking all sorts of vain thoughts. But seriously, you could always buy yourself a rabbit as they are tres tres cute and emblematic of all things adorable (apart from horrible biting ones like Honeys!!!!). As for a fan club, my delusional anti-girlfriend Honey already thinks she has one and the rest of us here at Saint Augustine’s are still trying to convince that her we are NOT members. Personally I am way too modest for a fan club (but you never know, so watch this space) although I did have an ardent cheering squad at my fencing matches in Dueling Princes (admittedly that consisted of a four foot nun and my very own mad regressing madre). V.v.v.v.v.v.v.embarrassing at times. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear Calypso, I am 12 years old and my name is Roberta. There is this really fit boy I know but he is my best friends brother. I really like him but I dont know if he likes me and I really need to know. By the way ME AND MY FRIENDS are really big fans of you and would love it if you published a letter Luv Bobbie

A. Darling Bobbie, a fit older brother is THE ultimate A-list accessory, which no amount of money or social cache can buy. I suspect thats why Honey is so bitter. Your friend must be feverishly popular and used to her friends telling her how divine her brother is. So you need to play it cool and not put her too under too much pressure. For what its worth, heres my tip: one of my bestest friends (no names yet because all is revealed in Book IV, Dumping Princes and my publishers will dance on my head in smelly slippers if I give you the superscoop) pulled her friends fit older brother whom well call X. Apparently she, (who cannot be named) thought her friends brother was achingly fit from the moment they met, but she didnt even tell her nearest and dearest roomies! She played it soooo maddeningly cool she convinced everyone at Saint Augustines and Eades that she fancied one of his matage (who I cant name but he was quite flattered by the rumour) which is what made X leave the land of fit-older-boys-who-dont-notice-stunning-younger-girls. X asked my friend out for pizza in Windsor and she pulled him and all our lives were changed. I swear, BOYS ARE SOOOOOOO COMPETITIVE. Let me know how you go, I am dying to hear. Oodles & Love, Calypso

Q. Hey Calypso, Me and my friend are always pretending that we are Hon Georgina and Portia, But on the website I came up as Star and Honey! Toodle pip darling Fredericka

A. Darling Fredericka, What a feverishly worshipful name. I have just done a small jig to discover another Honey! Lurv, lurv, lurv you darling. But you are quite right about the brilliance of the Hon. Georgina Castle Orpington and Lady Portia Herrington Briggs – especially Portia. Everyone sooo wishes they had her cool grace and aloof demeanour. She is a worshipful icon, brimming with qualities I long (but have so far failed) to master. She should definitely have her own place on the site and in the quiz. As that beardy Greek chap Aristotle once said, (or was it that asthmatic French writer who died in his cork lined room in Paris)? \”there is more to her than meets the eye.\” Oodles and toodle pip, Calypso PS: I just checked and it was definitely the beardy Greek chap. Phew! My brain still works, I was worried I had broken it falling over Star\’s dad the other day.

Q. Dear calypso, I think that people see me as a quiet and reserved girl. but thats only because i am a little shy. i want people to see my fun and wild side and see that i am a really fun person to be friends with. i am just not sure how to let loose. do you have any ideas on how i can? Isabella

A. Darling Isabella, sooo relating. Im so shy I used to eat my lunch in the loo. I still do occasionally. Star on the other hand is freakishly confident, wild and fun, so you could try and be more Star-like which means thinking less about how others see you and just getting down to the business of having fun. As for your reserve, think of it as your greatest asset. Lady Portia Herrington Briggs has reserve by the bag full and most girls long to be more like Portia. While everyone else runs around being tres, tres, tragic and mad and spouting rubbish, she floats effortlessly above everything. Then, when she does say something, we’re all so feverishly awed, we listen worshipfully. CoCo Chanel said, “style is refusal” which I think is a French way of saying, don’t run with the hoi polloi, but if you do, wear a fabulesque outfit. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear tyne, I am the total geek at my school and am dieing for more attention plus friends. How do you suppose i do this? Plus there is this really cute guy that goes to my church and i am desperate to have him! How do i get his attention if he doesnt even know that i exist (thats what my bro says). I have this sticky situation with the guy i like. Before i started this mad crush i had confirmation with him and, me and my geeky self started to tease him because i was annouced as having the best confirmation paper and him the worst. So he either hates me or really doesnt know i exist. Helppppp! Snowy

A. Darling Snowy, You are sooo not the total geek because you read moi books darling. And even if you are, geeks are so en trend al la mo anyway. So, geek it up another notch, only with lashings of lipgloss and piles of mascara for that natural look boys adore. That will make this fit church boy aware of your existence especially if you actually stroll up and strike up a witty conversation with him. But cut back on the teasing until you pull him okay. Boys are tres, tres, sensitive about these things. Maybe youve been a bit too reserved (a tres, tres, fashionable quality, look at Lady Portia Herrington Briggs) but you dont want to be so reserved no one knows you exist so share your boy dilemmas with your friends-to-be! Everyone loves to solve another girls boy dilemma. If your brother is fit and older then put him to work on Operation Cool! If hes not, save your teasing for him. Oodles, Calypso

Q. hi i am a huge fan of ur books darling and i had a fab idea about how maybe u could do a film on ur books if u don\’t i will get daddy to sue u beeyach and maybe i could star in it!email me back darlings yaah.i have to go and have my nails done. luv yaxx chealsea, london

A. Darling, I am a huge fan of all my readers! I had a fab idea that your daddy could make a film about my books – far more fabulesque than law suits – also if he made the film, he could put his foot down and make you the star. oodles, Calypso

Q. hey calypso, Im a huge fan of the calypso chronicles, by the way. anyways, i have a totally huge crush on a guy named kevin in my school. hes just the fittest boy on earth! i have a problem: i dont know how to pull those kind of guys! we do eye contact often, but we dont ever talk! im too shy to talk to him too. we barely say a word to each other. but sometimes, we say hi or hey or hello but thats it! i also like this guy taylor- my schools fencing god. hes so great when hes fencing. and hes been sending me a lot of flirtatious signs. what would i do? should i pull him? how DO you pull guys, anyway? and how will you know that they REALLY like you, not just want to be FRIENDS with you? one more thing, how do you ask GUYS to go with you to dances? we have a winter formal coming up, and im dying to ask kevin -or taylor- out. love lots, pauline

A. Pauline Darling, So many questions, I hope I can help! First off, how worshipfully awesome that you even have fit boys roaming about your school free for the pulling! But darling, you need to go beyond all this, hi, hey, hello business and take the Kevin Thingamee to another level. Say hi and then blurt something mad, like, cool shirt, Kevin, or if you go dry at the mouth with the terror of it all simply faint, and hope he resuscitates you. As for this Taylor chap, take advantage of his fencing and say, Great game, darling, you totally rinsed your opponent on the piste today! As for knowing how to pull guys, the dance floor is usually the best place to start. When youre dancing, just casually put your arms around his neck and he should be able to take it from there. If not, he is sooo not worth pulling! Remove your arms immediately and pretend you were only mad-dancing. Remember, boys are our playthings, unlike attack dogs which we have to dodge just to get to boys. Mostly boys seem to fancy girls who are fabulesque and brim full of va-va-boom and oo-la-la confidence, but then again, they seem to go for vulnerability too (see fainting option). I dont know anything about this asking boys to formals business, it sounds tres, tres, terrifying. We just roll up with our mateage to balls and socials but off the top of my head, Id say just ask Taylor if hed like to go with you (he is the fencer after all). Oodles and toodles, Calypso.

Q. Dear Calypso, I absolutely looove your books! They\’re better than Gossip Girl, IT Girl, Princess Diaries and all the other chick lit books out there (not worth anybody\’s time if you ask me). It\’s amusing to have a glimpse of how things work at English boarding schools. All the balls and everything remind me of the \”balls\” (unfortunately not referred to as such) and galas we have here in Paris, but it\’s strange how things are so different over here! Ok so getting to my question: I go to the worst private school in Paris and the people here are unbelievable! They\’re all nouveaux riches or poor and they act like the most stuck up people ever! So I\’ve decided I wanted to move to a boarding school in the UK, and I was hoping that maybe you could help me out? I desperately need an insider\’s opinion. What (all girls) boarding schools are worth looking into, and is getting in really difficult? I\’m not American but I have this American accent I picked up at school and looking at things realistically, would I be made fun of constantly, especially since I would be a Sixth Former? How hard do you think it might be to get accepted so late in secondary school? Would people just stick to their own groups and not be very accepting? Oh and what do you think: is a British education better than an American/French one ?I would really appreciate it if you could reply and finally, I was wondering how many books are going to make up the series? Thanks so much and hope to hear from you soon! Kisses, anonymous

A. Merci beaucoup, my petite darling Anon, As ghastly and misery-making as your Parisian-School-of-Horrors sounds, I was OMGA-ed (Oh My Giddy Aunt-ed) that you had turned to moi for madly sensible-ish type advice vis-a-vis UK schooling. I will try to be worthy-ish although I must warn you that I have totally O.D.ed on sweets this Christmas and I\’m feeling rather feebleminded. Also my parents are bonkeresque and I read an article today that said bonkeresqueness may be genetic. Rentals always banging on about the Independent School Council www.isc.co.uk but then rents are a mystifying lot and they\’re not the ones going to be attending the school. Personally, I\’d put more trust in Tatler\’s Schools Guide http://www.tatler.co.uk/Schools/ because if you\’re boarding, there\’s more to school life than hard sums and obscure latin phrases. No doubt your rents will give you their short list, so chose a school they approve of that has an all-fit-boy\’s school within sprinting distance and excellent mobile phone coverage. As for fitting in, loads of girls change schools in the VIth form so there will be no dramarama there and your accent is most likely to be seen as exotic and brimming with va-va-va-voom and ooh-la-la credentials. Take advantage. As for whether a UK schooling is better than an American French one, well, I am OMGA-ed once more, but I will say this darling: I bet the food is worse here than in Paris. I am over the moonarama that you love my books – so far there are four books in the Calypso Chronicles series but my Christmas Cracker told me \”to be prepared for the unexpected\” … oodles, toodles and a bientot, Calypso

Q. Hey Calypso! First off, I absolutely lurrve the books! They are quite fab, and I could honestly sit ‘round for days reading and rereading them! Anyway, the real reason Ive decided to send off this little note, is because of some très, très, très bad problems I’ve been having this school year. See, this year is extremely important for getting into University, and because of that, my professors have gone quite raving mad. I’ve been getting sooo much work, I hardly have time for a life outside my textbooks and notes. Weekends have been reduced to studying, and the week before winter holiday I slept 2-3 hours a night. While this is bad enough, the worst part is I never get to see my mates anymore. We tried a bit of group studying, but you can guess how well that went. Anyway, I’ve noticed that you never seem to have this problem… in fact, you never really seem to have too much work, and I was wondering if you might have some helpful tips pour moi? Thanks, darling! Lizzie xxx

A. Lizzie Darling, Merci for all your praise. I totally sympathise with the merde of your study load but mostly Im worried about this sleep deprivation diet your professors have you on! Darling, I would die with only three hours of naparama and a girl like Honey would assault someone and then sue them and I doubt Sister would even punish her for it! I think shed fire the wretched prof responsible actually. Unfortunately (or fortunately) at my boarding school, hours of prep are built into the day from age eleven in ever increasing amounts. As for this madness that I dont seem to do much work, we do twelve hours a day five days a week and half day Saturdays! I just dont drone on about all the prep I have to do for fear it would make my readers feel nappish. Mind you, it sounds like you actually need a little nap darling. Course work and study grinds us all down, which is precisely why we need the distraction of boys, clothes, books, films, music and our mate-age to keep up our joie de vivre and va-va-voom. This term we were presented with pamphlets entitled, How To Have Fun With Study! Seriously I swear, schools are quite bonkeresque! If you are doing a language, you can sit your exam a year earlier? That way youre not doing all your exams at once. Id also recommend a tutorial on the geneva convention for your wretched professors. I think you and your mates should have your rents write your head a fierce letter about how not only are you burning gazzilions of calories growing your hair and other bits, but explain how brains die without sleep (at least I think they do). Insist these profs give you some help with your prep (and I dont mean in the form of a rubbish pamphlet). The profs could stay back with you and your mates to assist you with your study. The reality is the profs need your marks as much as you do, because if they dont keep a high grade aggregate no one will send their daughter to that school anymore and they will be in the merde big time. Demand your rights darling and have a nap for me! Oodles and toodles, Calypso

Q. oh darling calypso, your soul mate is in desperate need of gurly comfort- consisting of major retail therapy, choclate, jelly babies and a soppy chik flik!!! me and mi darling freddie like boyfriend have split up!! It was my call and the fault of both of us but now we are apart and i am some what happier he is begging me 2 return to him!! i have never in my life had soo many texts!! hes a very nice boy and although dumped has his heart set on winning me back and thinks i am considering it!!! i have no regrets about my decision but how do i let him down lightly!! i am asking for the help of a true friend darling !! even more desperate kiss than my last letter !! x jessi x

A. Darling Jessi, My soul mate type friend. You are such a sweetie. I am soooo worshipfully proud of you! Not, only do you know your own mind but you have a kind heart. Dumping boys is merde but when you know it is the right thing to do you really have to stick to your convictions otherwise you only end up deeper in the merde. I know its a rubbish thing to say but I think you\\\’ll have to send him a maddie Valentines Card or txt saying something awful like, LETS STAY MATES. Grim I know, but there really isn\\\’t a nice way to dump someone, just better and worse ways. Like dumping someone by email or txt, that is the lowest. And I know you wouldn\\\’t do that darling. Distract yourself with your mates and trips to the KR for tea and sympathy. You know you have done the right thing so just put it from your mind. your Freds type ex will eventually move on too, bless him. Here\\\’s wishing you, oodles of all things nice; jelly babies, oreos and love with chocolate chips on top, Calypso x

Q. Ok i\’ve got two problems: 1)what to get my bf for his birthday 2)I\’m sick and tired of my best friends saying bad stuff about me..the keep saying i have ugly fingers, my nose is big, my hair is short etc…i\’m jus sick and tired of it, and i don\’t want to talk to them about it. What should i do to make myself feel better?

A. Darling Kiwi, I don\’t think much of these so-called best friends. What sort of toxic creature (appart from Honey) would say such mad things about their friend. Okay so, maybe you\’re nose is on the large side and you need to grow your hair – I bet they aren\’t perfect either. What really gets to me is how anyone can be so pathetic that they\’re reduced to insulting your fingers? They sound like a poisonous unintelligent lot. If you really want to make yourself feel better, revaluate your choice in friends. Tobias has already declared that he can\’t bear them. You are blatantly far too magnifique for them. It doesn\’t require a special talent to be cruel to someone else so they can\’t be that special. I think your a ledge. Immerse yourself in books and keep your eye out for more amusing company. Oodles, Calypso PS: get your boyfriend something he doesn\’t need for his birthday. Something he wouldn\’t buy himself. Something his mates and family wouldn\’t get him. Something surprisingly different. Boys love that. I got Freds a large map of LA with my house ringed.

Q. Dear Calypso, i need some advise on how to pull boys, you see im quite tall for my age and i dont think any boys like me, i hav\’nt had a boyfriend in about a year, its positvely horrible, and also i did like this guy for about 2 years and we did have a little thing but that ended but i still liked him and then my so called mate went and got with him, and there still together i was realy hurt at first but then i got over it but i still think it was bad what she done. also shes stunning and can get any guy she wants but she treats him like crap and i think its ooo also she acts rele dumb and thats jus stupid! But i hav alot of problems and i keep them bottled up i have no1 to talk to because i havnt got a mate to talk to who wont tell any1 what i said its jus horrible and i dont talk to my family about things because they get all uptight and funny about it. 🙁 i think im quite pretty so why dont any boys like me….im alway natural arnd them and i get on with them all jus fine, but they dont want me for anything more than a mate please help love rosie xxx

A. Darling Rosie, Firstly, tall is the most wildly desirable thing to be – especially when it comes to towering over one\’s anti-girlfriends like Honey for example. I\’m sure that boys do like you, but they can be tricky creatures. Star is always reminding me that boys are our playthings and we mustn\’t take them too seriously. I think she\’s right. Girls can be bitchy but they can also be worshipfully loyal and surprising when given the chance. Rotten luck with your friend pulling the boy you liked but I wouldn\’t dwell on it as you are clearly madly popular with boys (despite what you think). You just need to jump that hurdle of getting one to take you out. In the meantime maybe you could ask one of them out. Boys are pathetically shy sometimes especially if they see you as a mate. You\’ll have to build your own confidence up as clearly your family are as bonkers as mine. Keep reminding yourself of these three things. You are tall, you are quite pretty and boys like you. Apply lashings of lipgloss and a tube of mascara for that natural look boys go for, put on your flats and start pulling. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Hi Calypso, i\\\’ve got this huge problem! i\\\’ve got this REALLY great boyfriend…he\\\’s sweet and everything but i want to break up with him because of three problems. 1)i don\\\’t like hiding that i have a bf from my parents. 2)i want to be FREE..do whatever i want…check out other boys etc… 3)he\\\’s the same height as me 5\\\’5…i think he\\\’s too short because i want a boy taller than me. The problem is, i can\\\’t break up with him, else he would KILL himself…i\\\’m dead serious. He told me so, and so did the rest of his friends. Please HELP me!!! i need your help darling! Kiwi.

A. Darling Kiwi! I have never heard such a bollocky reason for not breaking a boys heart that I have heard and for what its worth I don\’t think he is a bit nice threatening to kill himself if you don\’t stay with him forever. Nice boys don\’t do that. Nice boys believe in freedom of choice. Boys don\’t think twice about breaking our hearts. Frequently they do it by txt, or phone. Threatening to kill himself if you don\’t do what he wants is reason enough to dump him. If he really, really, really, really does have suicidal tendencies he needs professional help so unless you have a degree, do him and yourself a huge favour and end the madness now. After that start pulling nice reasonable boys that don\’t make you feel like a weapon of emotional mass destruction darling just because you want to stop kissing them. Oodles, Calypso

Q. Dear calypso, I was just writing to say that ur website is soooooooo fabulous that it even helped me do my homework. We had to write shortstories that included colloquialisms (cool word huh) from other countries (i\’m from Australia) and I went onto ur site and used ur fantabulous \’Glossary of Britishisims\’ to write mine! I thought u might like to see it, please tell me i f u like it or not. Alice sat there in front of the whole lower sixth, her opponent completely rinsing her with every single word. She couldn\’t think, not one single sentence came to mind, she was about to bottle out, but she knew she had to come up with an unbeatable rebuttal. Luckily her other team members could think under pressure. Of course, Portia was there to save the day, again, – she could blag her way out of any situation- she passed over a piece of paper, with two detailed paragraphs sprawled out. The opponent finished and it was Alice\’s turn to speak; she stood up, feeling completely under the cosh. She couldn\’t think straight and the writing suddenly turned into a blur, so she said the first thing that came to mind. \’What you just said was bollocks, complete and utter bollocks.\’ Alice couldn\’t believe she had just said that in front of all the teachers and her whole year. She stood there in silence, watching all the sloanes in her year giggle under their breaths, while swishing their Sun-In streaked hair, and watching all the teachers silently fume. All Alice could do now was run, she legged it out of the hall as fast as she could. Do u like it? I hope so. luv your eagerly anticipating friend Sarah

A. Darling Sarah, I love, love, love it. You sooo would have survived better at me those first few years at Saint Augustines. You are a star and now you must enter the Easter Comp. I read your email in Double Greek and I was so overwhelmed that I am helping girls all the way across the world in Australia do their homework I fainted. Which was quite handy as it was so yawn makingly boring, it was the only way I was going to escape. Oodles and toodle pip, Calypso

Q. OMGA I sooo have to know- Honey, are you the spawn of satan? ps your probably gorgeous anyway xx

A. Darling Nameless Nobody, Only a girl in league with the devil would ask such a question of one such as moi! I love you and want to borrow your latest Kelly and NEVER GIVE IT BACK! Maw, maw, Hon. Honey O\\\’Hare

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